Give me Faith

Recently I heard the song give me faith by elevation worship. It is a good song, in fact I can’t stop singing the lyrics in my head. I feel like my prayer is for God to soften my heart and take away the pain in my life. I have never felt more emotion coming out, and a feeling of desperately wanting God to just take away the deep piece of my soul that feels missing. I want to act on my own, and try to figure things out but God keeps tugging at my heart to go against what I want and embrace him. My choices have broken me down to the point of surrender, and no matter what im not going back to the old me. I want to trust that “God is good and his love is great.” Im so weak, my flesh wants instant comfort and help in time of sadness but God will never leave me even when I want to tell him MY plan is better. The brokenness of my heart comes flows out as tears, I want god to use this brokenness to show me more wisdom and closeness with him than ever before. I don’t understand why good people have to be hurt but I do know that my heart is forever different and without being stripped of everything I thought I needed I don’t think I would feel like this. Day by day im being humbled in knowing that I cant find my comfort in anybody except him. I am experiencing something I never have before which is true human loneliness. Seeing all my bestfriends get married and start a life with their husbands I so deeply wanted that myself. I tried to force my way without ever turning to God and asking what he thought. I need to realize that the dream of being married is a good one but only in God’s timing. For now I need to be the bride of Christ, pure and holy until I find the amazing man he intended. Not having that in anyone except God is the most challenging experience but I truly believe knowing that God is all you need will be a blessing in the end. I hope and pray with all my heart that I can become a women god is proud of. My flesh gets jealous, wants to control a situation and is impatient but that’s why when I am weak he is strong. When I cry he is there for me, when I am going through a hard time he will never run out on me. These reminders are what bring me back to repentance for all the times I have turned my back on him and lived my own way and I realize how much I want to honor and worship him with my life. I want him to give me the faith necessary for me to walk through the days that feel too hard to make it, I want him to give me perspective and wisdom that he will lead me out of the fire and show me the goodness that he promises. I was once told that I shouldn’t believe in fairy tales, but I do believe that God gives us the gift of the ultimate fairy tale “knight in shining armor” story! He saved us from a life of misery and brought us into freedom and eternal life! This is why I want to be forever different. It’s because of his grace and perfect mercy.