Decisions, decisions.

School is in full swing again and being a student again has a strange feel to it. This year i came back home and am attending Mt. Hood community college until i can transfer my credits to another 4-year colllege. I thought it would be best to save some money and figure out what path would make me most satisfied long-term. Recently changing my major i have been thrown through a loop and have never been more thoroughly confused and overwhelmed with college classes and transfer credits.
The decision part of this whole situtation is about where i will ultimatly finish my bachelor's degree. I need to take some classes at mt.hood in order to satisfy pre-reqs for the business and public relations degree i hope to recieve, although i need to start looking at universities i can attend. This time frame is not ideal with deadlines coming up, and having no idea where i should go. It's hard for me to make a commitment to a school for the next two years of my life and Portland is sounding less and less appealing.
My heart tells me to just relax, and possibly get all the pre-reqs done at Mt.hood that i can so i can save money and have more time to research the right college for me. On the other hand, my mind tells me that i cannot stand another month at this school but i know that i should be greatful for recieving any type of eduction in such a economically downturn nation. It's the big decisions i have always felt so confident in making until this point.
I feel rushed becasue i want to get going on my degree and finish in as little time as possible. With so many opintions from family and friends flooding my mind i find it hard to think clearly. I suppose i need to look back and remind myself of timing. If i end up going to Mt.hood winter term it wont be the ideal situation or what i would plan for myself but it could be exactly what God has planned. My decision isn't easy or fun becasue every situation runs through my mind faster each time i think about it. With these big decisions i need help, advice, time and guidence. Im hoping to make the right one for me.

God speaks

Have you ever had something inside you tell you to make a certain choice? A little voice that gives you the ability to decide between right and wrong? Sometimes we don't always take the "right" action but in any case we have all experienced that faint voice or feeling that guides us. Many people deem it as their inner spirit but i know that it is much bigger and more wise than i could ever take credit for.
Today in church i flipped through past pages in my journal and i realized how much i have been through since it’s beginning. My first entry was in late March and i was only days away from leaving to live in Florida for 6 months. Wow time sure does change things! As i continued to flip through entries i saw a story unfold of God's provision.
There was so much pain in my writing, questions unanswered and a striving for any sort of peace. In these few months i got a crash course in God saying "no" to the things i thought were right for me. I laughed as i stubbornly insisted that i knew what was right. I am so grateful that he can see the bigger picture and know what will ultimately bring me the greatest fulfillment.
If i had it my way i would have lived in Florida going to bible school, or spent the summer in India/Thailand helping out in the slums. Although both are great options, the opportunities and people i would have missed out on would be quite a loss. As a stubborn child of his im slowly learning that even when i cannot see the reasoning behind a closed door there is always a better one open that i was blind to see before.
I silently apologized for the ear full that God got many nights when i felt like he had abandoned me. I am greatful that he never forget's and is always lovingly going to direct my paths.

Second chances.

You hear people talk about their opinions on second chances all the time. They are usually avidly against giving others another opportunity but have no problem accepting grace on their own behalf. I recently returned from the Windy City and have been continually reminded of the importance in new starts. My trip over to Chicago was a last minute plan to follow my heart and see what the city had to offer. On the morning of my departure everything seemed to be a disaster. I received some very untimely and unwanted information, lost my phone, and nearly missed my flight! All of this made my heart uneasy about my hasty decision to travel so far away. Eventually as I flew to the Midwest my heart calmed down and I was fast asleep. Upon landing my overactive mind started working in full effect but in the midst I felt God’s presence calm me down. I took one big deep breath and the fear was replaced with excitement. As I walked through this huge airport I felt like such a country girl in the midst of masses urbanites.
My first night consisted of taking the “L” and being introduced to some hearty and authentic deep-dish pizza. For someone who is lactose intolerant you’d think that it would be a nightmare but my stomach already loved this new place. The thread of second chances was on my mind heavily that night, as I sorted through my feelings and got excited for the weekend. Each day I was there seemed to fly by faster than before. In less than four day I fell for a city I had promised myself I wouldn’t like. I got to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert at Wrigley field that surprisingly had Jason Maraz open for him! On this same day I found out how little skills I possess at ice skating and got a crash course in some more good food. One of my favorite parts was just walking around the city and being in constant awe of the urban beauty. I love architecture and fond the vastness strongly inviting.
I experience my first professional baseball game, and laughed my way through a SNL comedy show at second city. I thought Portland has a pretty skyline until I got a view from the top of the John Hancock building. It amazes me how peaceful the city looks from up above. You can see the lights and fait outline of cars bustling down below on the narrow streets but it is quiet and still at the same time. Looking down you realize how small you really are in the midst of millions. After this amazing view I got a treat and someone took me out for my favorite food, sushi!
Each morning I had the pleasure of waking up to a delicious breakfast and was surprised with how fast the time seemed to go by.
At Navy Pier the next day I got pulled on stage to help in a magic show, ate some famous Chicago popcorn, and lost a bet after a intense round of put put golf. One of the best views I found was from the Ferris wheel where I snapped some great pictures over the cold water of lake Michigan. After walking along the pier and getting blown around by Chicago’s famous wind I got to watch a hockey scrimmage. Although I hate the cold, and it was in an ice rink I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. It was a perfect last night to wrap up an unexpected few days.
Upon leaving I felt incredibly sad to say goodbye to a place I was just starting to get used to. Reality set in as I boarded the place to go 2,100 miles back to Portland. Sleep deprived and running on popcorn and cheese omelets
I realized the irony that second chances have has in my life this past year. Whether it’s school, work, family, or relationships you must be open to restart and five grace to a situation. When you do it makes you realize that you very well might get hurt in the process. You can choose to be like me and run whenever you feel yourself becoming vulnerable or you can experience the beauty that a new start could bring you.
Through this trip I saw the value in allowing yourself to take a chance, forgive, and start over. When you let the past be the past and look towards the future it brings freedom. It doesn’t grantee that you wont get hurt but for me in this case the reward is very much well worth the risk.

Livin like new

Throughout life we are bound to make mistakes, and a lot of them. Some people make the big ones, those that are hard to take back or cover up. Many of us make little mistakes everyday that can add up overtime and suddenly we are living a life we never intended to. When you compromise yourself and live by the world’s standards you are bound to make decisions that you'll regret later on. It's hard to make the right choice in the moment it’s so true that retrospect is always so crystal clear.
This past year I have probably made more whoppin "mistakes" than I can count. People tend to shy away from our accomplishments but have no problem reminding us of all the times we have slipped up or fallen short. Constantly being reminded of our shortcomings makes you live in the past and struggle to move forward. When people we care about have made mistakes it’s human nature to act out of our own hurt and frustration and continually remind them of where they have screwed up. Doing this in some strange sub conscious way convinces us it is the key for us to move forth. If they know how much it hurts maybe they can magically take away the pain.
Something i have learned is nothing that they will say or do will ever make the past less hurtful. What's done is done, but the grace that God has shown us should be shown to those we care about. Letting someone live as a free and forgiven person won’t take away our pain but it will give them the ability to move forward and become a better version of themselves. Keeping someone in bondage of their past will never turn out like you had first envisioned it would. When people see you as a new creation you can start living like new as well.

Blessings in the unexpected

Life is all about a planning. We always have a checklist of items left to be done, when one thing is finished another is added. This endless cycle fools us into thinking we are accomplishing something, but in reality it is to mask our inability to rest. God has been teaching me a lot on this subject.
What is real rest and how do you still manage to accomplish what you want?

I haven't come to a conclusion on this quite yet, but i am learning that people and situations in our life help us realize we don't need to be in constant planning mode. There is a balance to everything, if we rest too much nothing will ever get accomplished but if we forget to stop and enjoy life's little blessings we will never receive the full joy God has for us.

I feel the need to have a plan and i have panicked when i let myself think too much. I grasp for some type of plan hoping that i will stumble into happiness. Lately I have begun to realize that sometimes the best things aren't on a checklist or 4-year plan. If you let it, you can be surprised with the amount of joy a unexpected outcome can bring. These last few weeks God is showing me the power in letting go and trying not think too much. Being a planner is good to an extent but there are so many blessings in letting go of your fear for awhile. So let go, and rest in the fact that when there is seemingly no plan that you can find happiness you never expected.

Women, we talk alot

"Women talk too much!" im sure you've heard that one before. We talk about everything! Our feelings, the way we wish we felt, our neighbors feelings..you name it we'll talk about it. I've always seen my need for communication as a bad thing. I found it to be a needy quality when in reality it's just the way im wired. I love to be connected with friends, family, even strangers and know whats on their hearts. No wonder than men always joke about not being able to get a word in!
Most of the time they are the more internal counterpart who balance us very vocal women out. Im so happy that God made us the way that he did. Women need to be validated, listened to and have their words heard. men on the other hand have different needs. In my experience they need respect, affection and affirmation that they indeed have what it takes. These two roles can either make a sweet harmony in a relationship or a frantic havoc depending on how you view the different needs of the sexes.
This post isn't intended to talk about relationships at all. In fact i started writing this in attempt to express how important talking is to women. I guess i am a true stereotype because i couldn't stay on one subject long enough without being led into something entirely different. Okay..(refocus)..
The gift of speech is important and women should use it to their full advantage. I am a talker and i think that it is a gift not a hindrance. All that said I want to learn how to think before i speak my mind and listen just as much as i gab. It's a work in progress and im not so good at the listening part yet but i think asking questions can teach you much more than you think. Sometimes silence is the best way to learn more about yourself. So there's my little lecture for the week..women listen just as much as you speak and maybe let men talk a bit too ;)

Growth happens when you wait..darnit

Waiting is a hard concept to grasp. Nowadays we live in such a fast-paced instant gratification society where virtually nobody has to wait for anything. Coffee has became too long of a process so some genius thought up an instant way to get their caffeine splurge. Drive-thrus, cell phones, beepers, pagers.. (anything to stay in constant communication with one another.)microwaves, instant dinners and the list goes on and on. I admit i am a horribly impatient person by nature.

My mind is always thinking several steps ahead of where im at in reality. I am slowly learning that waiting can be a very good thing. Actually it's quite counter cultural to allow yourself time to figure out exactly where your at, and what you need. Although against our standards it can open doors you never thought possible.
Right now i am in the process of staring at a long list of classes i need to complete before i am able to focus on my intended major. Over the past 2 years i have switched my future profession choice more times than i can count. Some people call it indecision but i see it more as a blessing that i am able to spot what i don't like before it's too late. In these past years 've dabbled in several different classes (none of which help me much now) and i still have a long list to complete. Eventually i am looking into a advertising and public relations degree. For those of you closest to me you probably can see that this is a big change from the cosmetology degree i intended to get.
I chose to take the easy way out because i knew i was good at hair and it wouldn't be a challenge. I was selling myself short because i didn't want to try harder to achieve something better suited for myself. I think being an impatient person aided in that decision as well. As i mature and grow up im realizing that the easy way out never allows you to prosper. It's in the pain, struggle and the long days of waiting that you learn endurance. I want to cultivate an attitude to push myself even when it seems impossible and to give myself grace

to reach my full potential. It will take me about three years to complete everything i want but i truly believe that my growth will come while i wait.

Expect the Unexpected

People say that you have to roll with the punches in life and i have never understood that more than in these past few weeks. Blessings come in all sorts of disguised packages. Ever since being back home my life seems to have taken some crazy twists and turns. Many of the plans i had in place before i left on my trip have suddenly lost their appeal. For awhile i have been planning on staying home to save money and attend Mt. Hood Community College. I thought i could take some random classes until i would start cosmetology school in the winter.
This has been the plan for about six months now and i never got fully invested or excited about it. I think that women that choose this profession are just as smart as the next but i have always had higher expectations of myself. Each time somebody would ask my plans for the future i felt like i needed to justify the fact that i wanted to be just a "hairdresser." My reasoning behind my decision stemmed from my desire to help people, talk to women and influence them in a positive way. Part of me feels like i choose this because it was the easy way out and i wanted to have some direction in my life.
Taking time off school last spring made me feel really lost in what my calling is. Im trusting that God will direct me in my journey as i completely changed my major and my classes got much harder. Im learning that the easy way out, although quicker will not always lead to happiness in the long run. At this point i have chosen to take classes going towards a business/advertising degree. My brain does not think mathematically but im hoping to go more into the public side of things. Im just taking one day at a time and trusting that it's good enough

God's destiny

Often times throughout our life we find that our plans do not always turn out how we had envisioned they would. We get let down, pushed back and redirected more times that we’d like and somehow there’s suppose to be a plan through all of the madness. During this past year I’ve experienced more redirection than I thought one could handle in a lifetime. Trying to make my own plans and figure out my life has proved to cause more anxiety than peace. Gradually God has been teaching me that sometimes when we feel like we are out of control that when we’ve arrived at the right place. Giving up our rights allows him to come in and work out the details that are impossible for us to fully understand.
For the past several months my mom and I have been planning to go to Haiti with the united foursquare mission organization. She was going to help out with shot clinics and I was going to work with the children in the orphanages. We had a lot to do in preparation for the trip; several shots were needed, finances, and prayer was constant. After my dream of spending the summer working in Thailand and india died I was fully aware that it was because God had plans for me to serve elsewhere. As the trip got closer so did the nerves and the realization that we would soon be in a very politically corrupt and demonic country. Prayers and supporters were very dear to our hearts during this time and we saturated our minds with God’s word. It was getting close and during the week prior to departure my mom had been suffering from a bad stomach ache and blackouts which was most likely due to the medication in our systems. The morning of our departure I took a morning prayer run to clear my head and hopefully start our trip out right. At PDX we unloaded our 5 very heavy bags packed full of medical supplies, bedding, 30lbs of pasta/snacks and the most grungy clothes we own. Our bags were packed for one thing and one thing only; hard work! Our goodbye was a mix of fear and excitement as we headed off for our 10 day adventure of a lifetime.
The morning went smoothly as planned, sharing a small breakfast at the airport we boarded our plan to LAX. Once we landed we had a two hour layover and munched on some less than enjoyable airport chilies to-go. Our next flight would take us to Miami for the night and we would meet our team to go to Haiti the next morning. On the flight to Miami my mom started to feel worse than she had at home and I sympathized with the amount of pain she was in. I carried on a conversation with a nice lady next to me from florida and and out of nowhere I felt incredibly ill. My stomach cramped up, throat hurt, and my body ached, none of which I had experienced before the trip. I figured it was nerves or my body being tired from traveling. I tried to keep a conversation going with her but I truly felt awful. When our flight landed we were both visibly very sick. It seemed this was an attack of the enemy and if we pushed through and got a good night rest we’d feel better. Walking through the airport to the baggage claim we were in tears from the pain. It was about 10:30 east coast time and we were ready to get in bed. The worst part about the night was when our bag never made it to Florida. After waiting in line to report our missing luggage we took the hotel shuttle to the embassy suites. Our first night in the hotel was a mix of extreme illness and frustration. We contacted the team leader and told him about our strange symptoms. He agreed that we were being attacked by the enemy and our sickness was probably a 24-hour stomach bug. He told us to rest for the night, prayed over us and told us it was possible to catch a later flight to port prince. The next morning came much too slowly as I tossed and turned all night with major pains. Day two was worse than the first and it made everything more overwhelming that we were sick across the country with no hope to get drastically better in time to fly out to Haiti in time. My mom called the leader and sadly told him that we were unable to fly. He said that the team didn’t want to get infected by our sickness and that the hurricane wasn’t going to allow planes to fly into Haiti after that night. Our dream was ripped away as quickly as it seemed to happen in the first place. We felt like failures for not making it to our destination and making matters worse we were stuck in a Miami airport hotel with the stomach flu. Ordering in white rice and egg drop soup was the only food we could stomach in two days. Those 48-hours felt like a blur that were both emotionally and physically draining. My mom and I didn’t know what our options were at this point and were troubled that we had to tell our supporters back home the bad news. We used the business center downstairs to search for options on what we could do. We found several ideas but all were extremely expensive. Coincidentally i clicked on a website and found out that Miami was a large hub for a lot of cruises to disembark from. I looked through the different ships for hours comparing prices and dates. I needed to find one with very narrow specifications. It had to leave within the next two days out of the Miami port and it needed to be as cheap as possible. There were a few available but my mom was convinced that she wanted to go home. I was already so disappointed with the outcome of our trip that I couldn’t imagine turing around and going home right away. Determined not to fly home we felt mobile enough to check out of the embassy suites and try to rent a car. To my disappointment all the cruise lines I thought were available the night before ended up being booked and our best option looked like staying in fort Lauderdale for a few days at a hotel to relax a bit. At the airport we were hurried around to several rent-a-car agencies where we ran into trouble at each one. We didn’t bring our insurance card because we were going to Haiti and they wouldn’t rent us a car for less than 600 dollars. Our options seemed to be running out and this was where we hit rock. I decided to call the cruise line one more time out of desperation and to my surprise they had ONE cancellation for the carnival destiny which was leaving the next day out of Miami. I told my mom and she was very skeptical because she feared the messege it would be send to all the people back home. It took a few hours and a lot of financial planning and tear of exhaustion to figure out that it was the cheapest route in this situation. We called the cruise line and booked our trip for a 5-day carribean cruise!
The next day it was off to port as we loaded our 5 huge bags full of grungy work clothes onto the boat. We were not at all packed for a sunny cruise full of glamour and dress-up nights. On the contrary; we were ready for mosquitoes, mud, and equipped ourselves for such conditions. The boat was lively and as soon as we boarded we realized this wasn’t going to be like anything else we’d ever experienced. As much as I love to write I cannot paint a clear enough picture of our time on this boat. It was a mix of learning experiences, deep healing, and amazing bonding with my mom. Not all of it was so serious though, it was a whole lot of fun despite the fact that our stomachs were still queasy and the endless buffets didn’t help out any. The ship was so much fun, there was always something to do. My mom and I decided to make the most out of it and experience everything that we could. From endless shows, tours, and dinners we were having a blast. I wondered why God had us on this ship and the more we were there the more I understood.
The people that worked on the boat had such hard jobs and were invisible to most of the guests. They were ordered, pushed, and ignored all while performing their thankless job. I learned that a kind word, a helping hand, and a bit of kindness can go such a long way. It only takes a second to either bring someone up or tear them down and it’s up to you which one to do. By spending a little extra time getting to know someone you realize that everyone has a story to tell and that you can learn a lot by listening. We made many friends that worked on the ship and a few very special people that ended up being on the boat at the same time as us. On our first departure my mom and I went climbing up a waterfall, and ventured through the rainforest in Jamaica. Everyone that lived here had a contagious attitude to not worry about tomorrow. It seemed like they were content with life at the very moment they were alright with life as it came to them. This was such a refreshing change from the chaos I usually find my mind fretting about. It was a true “don’t worry, be happy mentality.” Leaving the island I proudly bartered with the locals and got some art for my new apartment. The next day we were off to the Cayman Islands for more sun and another adventure. When we arrived we decided to skip shopping for the day and spend our time doing something that we’d remember. We went on a local tour where we got to feed, snorkel and swim with stingrays. The water was unimaginably crystal clear as the heat of the tropical sun beat down heavily on us. It was a perfect day to be in the water and I got to both hold and pet a stingray! It was softer than I thought and amazingly peaceful to be in the same place as these amazing creatures. Our time on this picturesque island was too short and we were whisked on board for more cruise time fun. It was the last two nights and the days seemed to get shorter as we had more fun. We gambled and proved to have no luck whatsoever, attended a comedy show, delicious dinner of endless options and ended the night with a little disco party. The next day was a sea day and we lounged out by the pool, played put-put and just rested. My body was exhausted from staying up to see the breathtaking sunset earlier that morning. Suddenly it was our last night and even though it had been a short time spent on the boat we felt like we made relationships that would leave lasting impressions long after our return home.
Overall you could consider our attempt to go overseas a failure. We did not achieve what we had originally set out to do. Our service in Haiti was no longer needed and we lost our money on the tickets. In the end it was a blessing that we could not get overseas. The team had contracted a rare jungle fever and ended up being quarantined because of their illness. The trip on the cruise could be viewed many ways. When I tell most people I get a sense that we we’re selfish for our choice, but deep down I know that i learned more in that one week than I have the whole year. I learned the importance of giving yourself grace, being nice to others and taking time to relax. I haven’t been myself in such a long time and for the first time in a solid year I felt alive again. I felt able to relax without the stress of daily life clouding my vision. We met people that I have a feeling will stick with us and change us for a lifetime. Sometimes when you have expectations for your life you have to realize that they are not always what is best for you. Being in control can get exhausting and when you let your guard down God has a tendency of lovingly surprising you, you just got to let him lead you to your destiny. Oh and a side note; the name of the ship was “the destiny.” Ironic? I don’t think so.