My grandpa

My grandpa is a fighter. He is tough as nails on the outside but as soft as can be on the inside. He has fought his whole life and will be have that spirit until the day he dies. The love my grandma and him have is something so rare. They have been married for 57 years and are the most loving people i know. They are the only people that bake cakes for the people that work the check out stand at the grocery store or the local bank teller. They notice people you and I would otherwise walk past. My grandpa is a hardworker. He never slacked on his daily dubty to come over and help watch the dogs. I only wish that every time he came over i would have gave him a giant hug and appriciated everything he was to me in that moment.

Four short months ago he got diagnosed with end stage esophogial cancer and was given a shocking diagnosis of 5 months left to live. Its now may and he is on the 6 month. Everyday he appriciates the fact that he has made it beyond his alloted time, It's a gift. Although his chemo was taking a toll we all had hopeful hearts that he would beat this. A week ago he went into the doctors office and they broke the news that the chemo hadn't helped but in fact it had spread further into his liver and it was shutting down. What heartbreaking news this was for everyone. The docs have given him only days left to live. Hospice has come to be with him in his home during his last moments. He is surrounded by everyone that loves him and it kills me to be so far away. His heart is heavy but our whole family must take rest in God's ultimate bigger plan for this situation. God wants to take grandpa home to be with him and although my heart aches i want him to be in peace. I can hear the weakness in his voice but selfishly i wish he could stay. My family is throwing him a combined birthday and anniversary party within the next few days since he wont make it to celebrate the real thing in july. We are trying to get as many people as possible to send a birthday card to show him how much hes loved.
My heart is heavy with sadness yet so greatful that my grandpa gave his life to God only a few years back. Since becoming a christ follower i have seen this man transform into someone you'd admire. Jesus changed him into the person i am so proud of today. Its hard to think about all the times where i wish i would have hugged him a little longer or spent more time with them but i have to be greatful for the times i had.
This situation has opened my eyes to how fragile our bodies are. We are not invincible and no matter how much we try and believe we can outsmart disease or sickness we can't. Cancer will take my grandpas life but not without a fight from him. God will carry him home. Im thankful to be reminded how fragile life is. Everyday that we are healthy should be a great day of thanks. My grandpa has praised God throughout the storms of this disease. He has even been wheeled into church. Tear in my eyes but i must honor himw ith the time God has given me left on this earth. I must take the moments with the people i love as gifts and most of all make him proud. Live as a figher. I praise God through my heartache becasue where else would i turn. My grandpa is finishing the race well. He is so very loved and God will be getting an amazing addition in heaven when he joins the angels.

BIG breath, pray, choose and Go.

Making a decision should be thought of in a sequence of steps. After thinking about what it takes to make a good choice i've come down to four steps that if followed will make it much easier.. People tell you to weigh all your options when making important choices but i think that you can make your decision too diffucult if you refuse to stick with it.
Im talking straight to myself in this post but i've seen first hand that fear of making a wrong choice can strip you from enjoying your decision and trusting your insticts. Whether it's a big decision or a minor daily choice these four steps can help in allowing freedom to breakthrough and fear to subside. (Now just to stick to them)..
BREATH.. the first very important step in clearing your mind and focusing on what you want. Deep breaths always help me realize that no matter how big a decision you can calm yourself by breathing and realizing that it will all be okay.
Next; PRAY. probably the most crucial step in making a good choice is giving a little prayer in your head or outloud to God. He knows what you need and ultimatly what will make you happy and he loves when you talk to him. He will also give you peace that even surpasses your own understanding.. After those two there is nothing else that you can possibly contimplate that you haven't before its time to CHOOSE. I've always been someone to jump into life with my whole heart. I dont know if thats a good thing or even smart but i haven't regretted it so far. Choosing becomes easier once you master the first two steps and once you choose you gotta just live it. You don't look back, you dont wonder "what if", you dont second guess yourself. God gave you a beautiful working brain to make decisions for yourself. Second Guessing strips the joy and confidence God longs to give you.
It hurts other people, it makes you seem weak and you begin to not trust yourself. If time passes and it turns out it wasn't the choice you hoped for you take a BREATH, PRAY, and CHOOSE what to do from there. Life is filled each day with choices and these four steps can be ingrained into your head.. (hopefully my head) and after awhile realizing my confidence in my own decisions. Life will take you on a crazy ride and if you go back, question, and wonder what if you you make the choice to not get on the ride. A roller coaster is only fun when you get on, strap in, and let go. It doesn't mean your not scared when you jump on but you put your trust that it's worth it. I dont know how many times i've gotten on a roller coaster scared to death and afterwards i want to go over and over again. I've seen this in life, it's a ride that you can only enjoy when you hop on. Watching from the sidelines for the fear of what could happen will never be as much fun. You wont get hurt, but you also wont feel the rush of letting go.
So.. to myself.. breath (know it's okay to trust yourself) pray (know it's okay to trust god with your life) choose (know that whatever you decide God will always have a plan) Go.. (jump on, and put your whole heart into your choice) (dont look back, dont wonder if..just go) Once you trust that it will be okay, sometimes you even want to do it again.

Life's about making choices

Life is all about choices. You may not end up making the right one, but at least you took a risk and made a choice. I have a incredibly hard time choosing for myself sometimes. By nature im a sensative person and i want to please others by my decisions. I think about every outcome possible along with the pros and cons. When making everyday decisions it's really about what you want and what will make you happy. Learning this has been really freeing as i am stepping into enjoying the little decisions set before me. Where you go, what you eat, and what you do that day are all trivial compared to how you make use of your time while your there. Spedning too long trying to make a simple decision can take the joy out of any siutation.

This season in my life im trying to roll with the punches. I want to allow myself to choose and possibly even choose the wrong thing. The fear of doing something wrong cannot prohibit me from ever making a decision in the future. With this in the back of my mind it will paralyze you from being able to see that life should be enjoyed and savored, not constantly alayzed. The little decisions for me usually seem to be the hardest. It's usually these that make me frustrated from not being decisive. Im coming to realize that indecisiveness is a product of not trusting yourself and loving yourself to know that it's okay if you fail. If you make the wrong choice or would have rather chose something else life will go on and you will get another chance. Thats the beauty and the joy of life. Your decisions do not define you. Right decisions should be celebrated becasue you trusted yourself, took a chance and succeeded. Wrong one's alike should be a lesson and a comfort that you took a risk and although it didn't work out like you thought nobody else made that decision for you. Big deicsions for me have usually come easier but when you have a lot on the line its easier to create anxiety and worry about making a faulty choice.

Indecision and anxiety block your mind from peacefully thinking about whats best for you. Even if you dont know the answer im trying to look inside my heart and know what I feel and hope it will work like i thought. Taking steps forward while blindly praying and hoping you dont choose wrong is scary yet empowering. You know that no matter what happens nobody chose a path for you. You understand that the consequences are your own doing but the joy and celebration is also yours.

Lately there have been a lot of things i've been challenged with. I've moved to Chicago from Oregon, it was a scary decision yet i feel very at home with my surroundings. Now im moving from Chicago after only five months of being here for the southern state of North Carolina. Im following my heart, the man i love and im able to finish up school in the process. Im young and people can give so much advice from their own experiences but in the end it's up to me. It's up to everyone to make their own choices, God gave us that gift. As i prepare to move farther away from the family i love to a new area and finish up school i hope my heart is ready for the outcome. Whatever the end result maybe at the end of the day i know i chose what i thought i should do for me at the time, i followed my heart and i took a leap of faith. Thats all any of us can do anymore.

You know your getting a little emotional when..

Women have some crazy emotions sometimes. Lately i've felt like a very emotional side of myself. Most times i think women's emotions are a blessing in relationships becasue it brings sensativity and communication into them but sometimes they can be a little sparatic, a lot of up and downs and even funnier to look back on. For the sake of a good laugh i've complied a list of some funny things emotions can bring out in women sometimes. Although they may seem crazy they make us women who we are. read on; You know your getting too emotional when..
1.)You start using phrases like "I want YOU to want to" all the time.
2.)You get your feelings hurt about the smallest things
3.)Your hungrier than normal yet you feel like a cow
4.)You want strange combination of foods and "healthy" doesn't sound appitising
5.)You cry..A LOT
6.)You laugh, then cry some more
7.)Sweet and small gestures make you cry
8.)Funny cute things make you cry
9.) Basically you cry quite a bit
10.) Guys have a "what did i do now" look in their eye constantly
11.)You dont want to go to the guy but know you should (maybe thats a all the time feeling)
12.)When you want something, you're not messin around for example..pancakes ;)
13.)You can make a fight out of making breakfast or going to the store to get eggs
14.)You get really offended if someone asks if your at that time of the month
15.)Somehow the woman is always right, even if shes wrong she must be right at this particular time of the month
16.) Chocolate will defuse any tense situation
17.)Men should not try and fix things, just listen
18.) We like sympathy (lots of it) and not advice
19.) You want to be told your beautiful becasue you feel like a 2 ton barn
20.)Be pacient with us, we feel just a crazy
21.)Know that if you can stick with women through this and be okay, your relationship can survive a lot of things
22.)You have a heightened sense of your relationship at this point and are extra sensative to what make you feel special
23.) You want to feel special (especially when you feel cranky)
24.) Snacks work as bribes
25.) Guys remember.. pacientce and more pacientce.
Whew just a little funny list of things i've noticed can happen during certain times of the month. We don't like to feel crazy, and believe me I feel bad at times with the things i've gotten upset over. But the best part is when you can look back recognize where you've acted rediculous and wait to feel a little more emotionally normal again. Thanks guys for all you do and all you have to learn about living with us women. ;)

Let my words mean what i say

Confidence. What is it? How to you achieve it? There is a thin line in our world today between a confident self-assured woman and a self centered one. Many of us choose neither and instead dislike ourselves, we literally become our own worst enemy leading a life of sabotage rather than grace and growing.
Life is fun. My mom is a wise woman and she's given some great advice throughout the years. Im a worrier i worry about getting my heart broken, i worry that im not going to be happy, i worry that this or that wont work out and in the process i forget that.."life is fun." worrying never got me anywhere good yet i still manage to do it. Confidence is something i am finding i need a whole lot more of. Disliking yourself is like telling God he made a mistake. It's nice to know yet hard to sink in that I was crafted by the same God that made the heavens and the earth. he has a purpous for my life and he wants me to enjoy it. He wants me to ENJOY? Stopping the constant cycle of thinking to just relish in the idea that i dont have to worry is a foreign concept in itself. Trying to manage my own life i've found that im terrible at knowing what will truly make me happy. I try and live my life based on others opinions, and never believe that i am worth being fufilled, loved, persued and happy. But i am. The bible tells me i am. My obstacle is harnessing that confidence and working it into every intracle part of my life.
Once i can realize the great confidence i have been given in God, peace, self-control, trust, stead-fastness, and truth will come with it. Truth to see myself like God does and know that i am worthy of all the love in the world and a confidence to know that even if everyone in the world left or deserted me that i'd be okay becasue God would still be with me. I think this type of confidence can strengthen relationships becasue your not living in constant worry that something could go wrong. Life is a gamble, something can always go wrong and if you live your life avoiding these things you will never live your life at all. I've been finding that i've been trying to find confidence in all the wrong places. Your boyfriend cannot restore your confidence, being a good person cannot retore it, looking good on the outside will only mask it. Restoration comes from God. i want to find a quite self assurance that i am good enough to live a life people look at and wonder why i have so much peace. Peace comes when you know yourself and you know your calling and who God wants you to be. I dont know that yet, but as i figure it out i'd rather be in peace. I ask that i can seek out self confidence for myself and know myself to be more desisice in my decisions and have my words mean what i say. I want to be a great daughter, girlfriend, friend and christ follower but i can't if im my own worst enemy. It's time for some self love and God's truth to allow me to see that im loveable and worth a great life. I can't rely on others to give what i can only give myself. leading a life without confidence and constantly needing to be reassured is no way to live. It causes confusion and uncertanity. I want to have fun, enjoy life and know who i am. God help me as a journey to do so.

Is the bible for your own interpretation

Time and time again religion will continue to be the most controversial to be brought up. Each person views a higher power in a different way depending on their surroundings, who they spend their time with and how they were raised. One person's views can be radically different than anothers and the hard part is you can never figure out who's "right." Being a chiristian i understand that there are many things about my faith that i don't understand. When i get to heaven God will hear a long list of the things i wish i could make sense of right now but i don't have the wisdom or understanding to do so. The most controversial questions seem to be contradicted sometimes throughout scripture, from the old testament to the new the views of "the law" are very widespread. So how to you know what to believe? As a christian how do you live in this secular world and still have a heart for God?
Taking everything the bible says literally have gotten many people into some funny beliefs. For example; "Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk," Exod. 34:26; "Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material," Lev. 19:19; "Make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear," Deut. 22:12).1
We as Christians violate a number of Old Testament laws everyday(e.g., "A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing," Deut. 22:5; "Rise in the presence of the aged," Lev. 19:32; "The pig is also unclean; although it has a split hoof, it does not chew the cud. You are not to eat their meat or touch their carcasses," Deut. 14:8) to name a few. So why don't we keep these laws? Trying to make sense of this i've found that Jesus gave these laws to people at the time becasue they were causing them to sin. He called them to be respectful and pure just like he calls us today. When he came to die for our sins we stopped neeing to be bounded by rigid laws and practices and became free to worship him and (desire) to please him made us holy. Laws are in place as guidelines on how to live a good life although if God did not show us grace we'd all be in a lot of trouble. It's a tricky subject matter to get to the bottom of but in my opinion God knows your heart. More than following strict guidelines and be morally perfect God wants someone who longs for him to be apart of their lives. You can lead a perfect life but if you have not relied on God as your savior you haven't caught onto his heart. This is good news becasue i am constantly making mistakes and i need grace every day and every minute. But if God see's every sin as the same what makes speeding and murdering different in his eyes? Technically a sin is a sin but some sins are worse than others. God see's sinning as bad no matter what but speeding is not intentionally harming God's creation, murdering is. I can't really answer this other than giving my best wisdom. I think God is after your heart. If you do and say all the right things but have a impure and anxious heart God wants to help you. Sin is apart of the fall. We are inately born with it and although i will never stop sinning i will never stop asking for help either. Just a thought for the day..

Through your wounds we are healed

The title of my blog is the "Joyful Journey," reffering to the joyful encounters we have on our way through life. Although sometimes your jounrey can seem anything but joyful. Pain, waiting, confusion, addiction, fear ect. all hinder us from continuing on a joyful path.
One of the biggest questions i believe people have about the bible is why God puts us through suffering? If he is indeed a loving God why doesn't he just take away all the pain we ever go through, isn't he powerful enough for that? Of course he is. To my understanding God doesn't cause our pain or addictions, the devil does. He aims to minipulate, decieve and destroy us and our image of our loving creator. He does a pretty good job fooling us that our lives our under control when in reality they are falling apart.
In the midst of adversity it is hard to think that this pain is somehow going to work out for our ultimate good. God uses eachday whether we feel hopeless or not to shape us into being stronger, and more steadfast in him. If we choose we can grow in the process of being broken. Heartbreak and weakness has a strange way of strnthening us and God is faithful for those who are willing to wait. Waiting has become sort of an anomoly in our day-in-age. We are a tomorrow centered society, that in itself can be a little depressing. We never seem to focus on this moment or this chapter of our lives becasue we are so eager to get to the next best thing that will bring us happiness.
Pain is horrible, it's confusing and uncomfortable, but somehow we were called to suffer. Peter writes; " Becasue christ suffered for you, leaving an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:22) It isn't pleasent or sugarcoated to feel like we are called into a life of suffering. Pain is everywhere; relationships bring pain, loss, addictions, jobs, family and everyday life but God wants us to remember him in the midst of that.
King David in (Palsm 142) is a good example when he is stuck in a cave he cries, vents and tells God how angry he is for his situation. Similarly we should be able to do this, God loves to hear our hearts but often times i want to give God the respect i believe he deserves so i keep it inside. The funny part about that is God knows whats on my heart, nothing is held in secret from him. David wonders why and how he can live another day in this cave and cries to God to give him the strength to withstand it. But every moment he was in there God had a reason for it. He didn't save David from his dispaire until he knew he was ready. David is a good example becasue even though he was king at one point, he was brought down into the depths of hopelessness and choose to trust in God and continually prayed to him. He didn't quit, give up or runaway even when it seemed like the better opyion. Somehow God used this pain to teach him lessons of strengethening and brought him out of it a renewed man. When David switched his focus from trying to get out of the cave to asking God what he could learn while he was in it God used him and raised him up. I don't believe i am far from David.
I constantly wonder through less joyful seasons wondering when they will be over. I plan for tomorrow in hopes that i can run from the cave and the lessons God wants to teach me. Being molded and shaped is a hard process. Flowers are cut back to look almost dead so that in the spring they will regrow more beautiful than before. Through seasons of being like David we have a choice to stay and be cut back for a moment so that we canb become more like Jesus or we can run. Most of the time running seems more appealing and staying feels like your persistance prayers fall on deft ears, but God isn't deft to your cries. In Psalms it says that when you cry out to God, he stops everything and turns to you. He wants to help you, he sets his time aside to listen to just you and to communicate with you. If that doesn't restore confidence in my heart i dont know what will.
So even when your path seems at a deadend and you want to think about tomorrow remember (1 Peter 5:10) "The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Chirst, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and stgeadfast." I dont know about you but i could use a lot more of that at times. I'll leave you with this quote from Mother Teresa; "Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."