Its that holliday time of year

Merry Christmas everyone! Im a little late, but i have been away in Illinois and Iowa for the past 4 days. It feels good to be back in Chicago but I love Christmas much so in a way it's sad to see it go. This year was my first time being 2100 miles away from my family and needless to say it wasn't the easiest time.
I went with Ryan and his family was nice enough to open their doors and arms for me to join them for their christmas traditions. I got to bake tree cookies, dip pretzels in chocolate and listen to christmas melodies flood through the air. All the Christmas fun made me greatful for my family and also made being away bitter sweet. I found myself holding back tears at times when i thought of how greatful i am for such a caring family. I have so much love and support that many times i fail to realize how much they mean to me. I miss our traditions, and i missed the kids running through the house and the joy they bring to me. Although missing them was hard, i found that i got to experience a whole new way to celebrate Christmas. No matter where you are God was still born for us and thats all that matters. Gifts are great, music is festive, trees sparkle but Jesus is the reason for everything we have.
We can get so caught up in the hussle and bussle of gift giving that we sometimes forget that it's not about that. I am guilty as well but i think that my family has reminded me that ist's not about what you can get for yourself its about what you can give to others.
Christmas is over and we only have 362 days to prepare again! haha. It's time to focus on the new year ahead of us. Im so ready to say hello to a new year and a new chapter in my life. 2010 was hard and full of lessons im sure not to forget, but im greatful that we get new starts and new beginnings. Im ready to welcome 2011 with open arms and a big smile.

More Chicago goodness..

Every time i have written a blog in Chicago i have been sitting at a comfortable coffee shop using their internet and consuming something warm and delicious. We dont have a router at my apartment yet and nobody has gotten a chance to buy one so i usually use the opportunity to get out of the house for a bit and do some quality people watching around the city. Today instead of my usual Starbucks run i ended up at Caribou coffee after getting pretty lost and severely chilled around town. By the time we actually invest in a router i will probably have spent more on coffee than the price for an actual router. Everything is more expensive here, a small coffee is over $4.00 and parking oh don't even get me started!
Tax is insanity but its the price you pay when you walk out your door and everything is at your fingertips. I have just been trying to get stuff done so far i have been looking for a job, registering my car, setting up my room and trying to find some of the comforts i had at home in this new place. With Christmas right around the corner everything seems a little off kilter and finding a job will be nearly impossible until after the New Year. I am trying to take this time to just enjoy a bit of down time until the business of work and school hit me all at once.
Tomorrow Ryan and i will head to Iowa to spend the long weekend with his family. I dont get to go home for Christmas because of the insane prices of flights during the holidays but i am grateful that i have a home to go to for Christmas time. Tonight we are celebrating our Christmas (exchanging presents) and we might even go to Wrigley and ice skate or downtown, depending on what we decide. I really want to see the city around Christmas time, lights, the big tree, and beautiful luminous lights coming from the shopping malls. All of these little things make Christmas in a big city like Chicago more magical.
Although its freezing around here one thing im getting used to is bundling up. Basically i throw anything and everything that will keep me warm regardless of style on and walk out of the house like im covered in a giant sleeping bag. I've noticed im not the only one. Many people here have HUGE puffy coats that go down to their ankles and look like giant down comforters walking around the streets lol.
Tonight i will head to Ryans and make "Christmas dinner." Im going to try and make bacon wrapped asparagus, salad, mashed potatoes and a pork tenderloin. I hope everything turns out like i hope it will!
Keep on reading and merry Christmas from the windy city.

My first week in the Windy city

Well it's been a week since i arrived in my new hometown and already there have been several adjustments that i have had to get used to. My room is a glamorized box that is about 7ft by 9ft big (or small i should say.) Parking is awful anywhere you go and people treat the roads and pedestrians as obstacle courses speeding up to swerve around you. It's a culture shock, a weather shock and a major adjustment to the 11.2% tax they slap you with in the city. I have become a real Chicago driver honking my horn and raising my hands while driving, pumping my own gas and even beginning to master the parallel parking trick. Midwestern are great, they are very friendly and im slowly finding my way into their lifestyle. Last night we went to a local sports bar, ate bar food, drank a beer and cheered the Bears on to victory. i even wore my bears shirt that my boyfriend gave me as a "welcome to chicago" gift. Other than gaining 7lbs from not wanting to go outside and good food in adjusting to my new life. I like half a mile from Ryan which is a huge change for the better from our 2100 mile distance from before. Its going to take time to get everything figured out but i know that it will all happen. right now we are in the process of finding a church that suites bot of us. We have been to two already and each had slightly a different flavor from what we are looking for. I had an interview at Nordstrom today and will start working at some job after the new year. I am slowly getting acquainted with public transportation and being more of a "city girl." Ryan and i leave thursday for his families house in Iowa for chirstmas and it will me me, him and his roommates dog! What a trip that will be. keep on reading for more updates. Miss you all.

A new journey

Last Thursday i started a brand new journey. It's a pivotal point in my life that no matter what happens years later i will always remember the time i moved to Chicago when i was 20. Last week my dad and i packed my life into boxes, loaded up my Ford escape and a small U-Haul trailer beginning our drive towards Boise Idaho.
After a few set backs and running out of gas we made it to Idaho for the first night out of our five day trip. This was all new to me, i'd never been on a road trip longer than only a few hours, and i was about to drive 2100 miles to my new home! Arriving in Boise, my dad and i were both exhausted and happy to be in a warm hotel room and not stranded on the side of the road without any gas! The next day we got a late start and adjusted to the first time change (1 hr ahead.) We drove until we reached Salt Lake City to visit my aunt and uncle who live in park city. We got there early in the evening and were able to catch up for a bit before Ryan's flight arrived. This was the part in the trip where my dad would stay in Utah, and Ryan would graciously continue to drive me to Chicago. We were both sad that we couldn't take more time in park city. The snow and ski parks were calling our name but there was no way we would be able to make it to our destination on time if we took a leisure day in Utah.
Reluctant to drive for 8 hours instead of shredding the slopes, we got in the car and set our sights on Denver Co. The drive was filled with endless windmills, snowcapped mountains, cows, and wheat fields as far as the eye could see. The sun set on the mountains before we knew it, and arrived in Denver around 8pm. At this time we had not reserved a hotel and relied on Ryan's technology and my phone calls to book a room for the night. We found the perfect place for cheap right in the middle of Denver. We only had one problem; the trailer wouldn't fit in the parking garage and street parking was nearly impossible at this time on a Saturday night. After much discussion we convinced the valet parking to let us keep the car and trailer upfront until the morning. After that bump in the road we checked in and enjoyed the Blackhawks game and a late night supper at a local brew pub. I, of course got distracted by a chocolate shop and stopped in to get a few goodies to satisfy my sweet tooth. It got late and before we knew it the morning time was here. Ryan sweetly moved the car and we took a few ours to walk around the city and see what it had to offer. it was a great place, cooler than we would have liked but its always an adventure to see a new place! By early afternoon we were back on the road, making our way to Kansas City.
It was the longest stint of our trip and by this point the snowcapped mountains were exchanged for sprawling valleys tucked in a blanket of fresh powder. It was a drastic change and i was starting to understand that everything i was used to was about to change. Getting to Kansas was by far the most draining point in the trip. we arrived around 1am without any plans or idea of where we could stay for the night. After too many phone calls we finally found a place that would suit both our budget and our location.
We checked in and our tired bodies were ready for some sleep. At this point we were getting to the end and i was ready to not see the inside of my car or pump another tank of gas for awhile. The next day was a breezy drive of only 5 hours! We road to the Quad cities to stay with Ryan's mom for the night. Along the way we saw tipped over trucks and cars steered into the ditch and realized that we had just missed the worst of the cold front day before. it was my first time to meet Ryan's mom and she was just as pleasant and sweet as he had described her being. we met for dinner, and then i got the privileged of enjoying some true authentic caloric heart attack called Whitey's Ice Cream. I got the recontamination to try a malt in which you can choose your ice cream, and topping of choice and the whip it into a thick shake that makes you wish you could stomach the whole thing without feeling sick. I picked my flavor (Reese) of course and we all headed back to the Martin's for our last night on the road. The bed never felt so amazing and we were all ready for a good nights sleep by 10pm.
The morning came too fast and after enjoying a Ryan original breakfast and meeting his adorable baby cousin we were on our way for the homestretch. Only 3 hours left. These were probably the hardest and most emotional 3 hours of the entire trip. Although short it was overwhelming to realize this was real. As obvious as that sounds i was here, there was no going back and i was suddenly hit with the reality that i was in a very different environment than i was used to and everything would be new and take time to adjust to.
The whole night was full of unloading, unpacking and struggling to fit my entire life into a glamorized box. Although a box it was my box. My little tiny room in a very big city. This was the start of this new adventure and with each new day i will learn, struggle, and laugh about where im at. Keep on reading in the days to come!

A little person can change you

Today i got the chance to watch my niece and nephew while my brother and his wife stole away a few hours to watch the civil war game. I love these kids, the stuff they say is the most pure hearted and witty things i've ever heard.T
he advantage living 20 minutes away is i have gotten the chance to watch them grow up. I was at the hospital when they were born, every birthday party and now watching them grow into little people in front of my own eyes!
As i begin to get in the moving mindset im realizing that these moments are precious because they will become scarce after my relocation. It breaks my heart to think about being away from them. Not hearing them laugh, ask every question in the world, and seeing their love for life and God grow.

People say that you don't understand what true love is until you have your own children. Until then i think im pretty much as close as i will get. Everything that seems to matter; a clean house, quiet time, a neat appearance all goes out the window and you begin to look at life differently. It's not about you anymore, its about this little person who is changing your life more than you realize. Seeing them makes me recognize how much capacity i have to love. I can't bear to think of coming home and seeing them grown up, i dont want them to forget me.
Although I do know that they have shown me a joy for life you often forget as you mature. They laugh, play and love without expecting anything in return, yet you can't help but want to give them all the love in the world. I can't believe how intense my love will be for my own children someday but i can only imagine what it will be like. I love these little people with my whole life, they are by far the most fun friends i will ever have.

It's 12:40 and i still want to write..

It's 12:40 and im an exhausted so this will be a short one. My eyes are slightly starting to rebel and close on their own and not even the hot coca or the sugar from the frosting i ate earlier is helping me stay awake..
I volunteered today at the festival of trees in Portland. I used to do it each year with my mom but as time went by i found myself being more and more busy around this time of year. With my move date 5 days away i am beginning to try and fit as many holiday traditions in this short time span as possible.
Tonight we made dinner, hung the ornaments on the tree, and decorated the famous sugar cookie.After baking they expanded and looked more like globs of dough than actual Christmas figures. Everything has happened so fast and the overwhelming fact that will be calling Chicago home in less than two weeks makes my mind spin. I thank God for the emotions he gave us, but i also wonder how many someone can feel at one time.
I find myself feeling excited, scared, apprehensive, and nervous all at once. i dont know how to make sense of all of them, and sometimes i feel like im making this huge life change on a whim. Im ready to see where it takes me, hopefully somewhere amazing where i can fully find joy in my surroundings but it's all in the journey. As i wind down my last days living at home i know that this is it. I love my parents, they have done so much for me, but i know that from this point on everything will change. The emotions begin to come back again and again with each new thing i think about. The long awaited move is finally here, and it's time to focus on what the future holds for me. There's no looking back now..I can't wait.

Callin it home

In less than 1 month i will be calling Chicago my hometown. Sadly enough this struck me as i was scrolling through Facebook as i saw "Gresham" Oregon as my place of residence. Soon enough i will change that to somewhere very new and foreign to me. The idea of a new start is exciting yet terrifying as i realize what that really means. It is going to take me out of the little orb i know as home and place me in a big city without the comforts of my family or friends.

This move is coming faster than even the stores put up holiday decor after thanksgiving! My mind is swirling with all the scary, exciting and new things that will be headed my way in the upcoming months. As the days count down till moving date on December 9th I want to keep focused on being in the moment. I want to be present in Gresham with everyone i love until that day comes. It's something i need to practice and i hope to carry this concept throughout my life.

I don't want to miss out on the here and now just because i am thinking about the future, and when the it comes i want to be glad i lived in the moment. Im deciding to give up on countdowns, because they don't allow you to be thankful for where you are in the present. It's time for me to love where im at, thank God he hasn't put me somewhere im not ready for, and be excited for where im headed. Im so incredibly nervous to call another place home but im learning that home is whatever you make it, not your zip code.

Inspiration

What inspires you? What makes you happy and fulfilled? These a major questions many of us take a lifetime to answer and will continue to be the source of what we put our time and effort into. This is a question that has been laid on my heart lately as i have faced a lot of discretion when attempting to answer it.

The answer i've found is that inspiration all stems from understanding what fulfills your heart in the deepest capacity. Although i don't act like it all the time for it it's the love that comes from God. Wordly things have proven to let me down far too many times and i have come to appreciate the unseen wonder of having a savior close by.

With this move coming in less than 1 month i am realizing the importance of relying on him alone to help guide me to my inspiration in love, job, and schooling. Granted beautiful scenery, a good run, a hug from someone i care about, all have their place in my life, with God together they formulate something to live for.

As i travel half way across the country i wonder if this is where god wants me? I feel like my answer comes from the inspiration and awe i have looking back on this past year and being able to thank him for all he has saved me from. He has guided me through many tough decisions and obstacles and for some reason a path is being laid out for me to move.

Whether it is my free will taking over or not he will teach me something regardless, and with trust will ultimately use it for my benefit. Im so grateful for where i am, the people i've met in Gresham and the people i have yet to meet in Chicago. My relationship, and the inspiration it's brought in my life so far.

Although new to this dating thing again i know i have been blessed with an amazing man who has integrity and treats me well. These things are from God and fulfill me in ways that worldly things can't. Im so happy to be writing again. this too brings me joy.

Life moves fast and im moving too

It's been awhile since i have gotten a chance to write down some of my thoughts and i have missed sharing my life with you all.
All of a sudden time seems to be moving at a rapid pace without any sign of slowing down. I am finishing up my fall term ar Mt. Hood community college, my family sold our house i have lived in for the past 17 years, i got a new job and oh yeah...im moving 2100 miles away!!!! I haven't wanted to tell this to anyone since this past year has been a series of let-downs and rerouting of my plans and priorities. I have a tendency to get an idea in my head and go for it until i achieve the desired result. The problem with this is i forget to take the time to ask God what his plans are and often learn my lesson the hard way.
There is a new adventure i believe God is leading me on right now and this one is much bigger than i thought i could handle. Sometimes he stretches us in capacities we didn't think we could do on our own. This venture is leading me to transfer colleges in the wintertime. In my search for where to go a school a school in the midwest caught my eye. It had exactly what i want to major in and in such a big city the opportunities seem more available than Gresham. This excites me but there are many obstacles and unanswered questions that i still have to figure out. The school is called Depaul and it's a smaller private school located in the heart of downtown Chicago. It has a program for P.R and advertising that focussed on the communications aspect instead of the business part of it. This is the first place i have found a school with everything i wanted but the expense of this "perfect" school still seems to be the thing standing in my way.
In hopes to save some money i am going to be transferring to a community college close by the city to save money and acquire residency before switching to Deapaul. As I write this im realizing that my move date is less than a month from today! It is all coming so fast. A job, living situation and classes all need to fall into their perspective spots and im praying that it will all work itself out in one way or another. Im both excited and extremely nervous to make this new jump in my life and trying to trust that i will be strong enough to make it on my own. I want to believe that i can meet amazing people to enrich my life in Chicago just as i have in Oregon. I am going to miss everyone so much but i ask that as i journey out into the big city you keep my travels and experiences in your prayers. Thank you for helping shape me into the person i am, i will miss my friends and family more than you know.

He is good, so good

Knowing that someone has your best interest in mind allows you to find peace in the midst of chaos.
I find comfort in knowing that God is so good to me even when i cannot find peace within my own understanding. I am going through a lot of changes that all leave me wondering what will happen in the near future. A lot could change at this point and although my heart knows what I want, I cannot forget to ask God what is best. I am tired of trying to figure out my future alone.
I wish I could know what was going to happen, but I believe the adventure is in the journey you take to get there. I want to remember I cannot speed life ahead just to reach the eventual point I want. Instead I must take things daily knowing that small changes will move me in the direction I want to go. I am working on being open to whatever plan God has for me.
When I try and take control it only leads to resentment when he closes a door on my dream. The only thing that keeps me going in these situations is to know that he is good, sooo good to me. He will never leave me and always knows what I truly need. Although I can plan exactly what I want with school, relationships, and timing I know that he can see the whole picture.
Patience is something I am continually learning and it is shaping me into a better person. It's not easy, and definitely not something I would choose for myself, but it is what I need. Sometimes what you need and what you thought you needed are completely different.
Yet those things you didn't know you needed are always the people, situations, and choices that change your life.

Anxiety is the absence of faith

I have always struggled with anxiety. I used to say that i suffered from it but i have come to realize that it is more of a faith based problem than anything else. When you struggle with anxiety you are really lacking in belief that God has your best interest in mind. You feel like by some human power you'll be able to influence your situations and make yourself feel more in control. God calls us to give up our control and rely on him to provide for our every need. Although i have been raised with this mindset my humanly efforts often times take over and I try to plan each and every step.
There is such freedom that comes from giving your control to someone who loves you more than you could ever imagine. He will not lead you down the wrong path and will always know what is in your best interest. When you try and control things you may not understand that what is best is not what you would have thought. I am looking at colleges to transfer to and I would like to go somewhere that im comfortable. Although this is my desire i feel like God is taking me other places. This requires me to give up my own wants and lay them down to him no matter where that is, he will be faithful.

Decisions, decisions.

School is in full swing again and being a student again has a strange feel to it. This year i came back home and am attending Mt. Hood community college until i can transfer my credits to another 4-year colllege. I thought it would be best to save some money and figure out what path would make me most satisfied long-term. Recently changing my major i have been thrown through a loop and have never been more thoroughly confused and overwhelmed with college classes and transfer credits.
The decision part of this whole situtation is about where i will ultimatly finish my bachelor's degree. I need to take some classes at mt.hood in order to satisfy pre-reqs for the business and public relations degree i hope to recieve, although i need to start looking at universities i can attend. This time frame is not ideal with deadlines coming up, and having no idea where i should go. It's hard for me to make a commitment to a school for the next two years of my life and Portland is sounding less and less appealing.
My heart tells me to just relax, and possibly get all the pre-reqs done at Mt.hood that i can so i can save money and have more time to research the right college for me. On the other hand, my mind tells me that i cannot stand another month at this school but i know that i should be greatful for recieving any type of eduction in such a economically downturn nation. It's the big decisions i have always felt so confident in making until this point.
I feel rushed becasue i want to get going on my degree and finish in as little time as possible. With so many opintions from family and friends flooding my mind i find it hard to think clearly. I suppose i need to look back and remind myself of timing. If i end up going to Mt.hood winter term it wont be the ideal situation or what i would plan for myself but it could be exactly what God has planned. My decision isn't easy or fun becasue every situation runs through my mind faster each time i think about it. With these big decisions i need help, advice, time and guidence. Im hoping to make the right one for me.

God speaks

Have you ever had something inside you tell you to make a certain choice? A little voice that gives you the ability to decide between right and wrong? Sometimes we don't always take the "right" action but in any case we have all experienced that faint voice or feeling that guides us. Many people deem it as their inner spirit but i know that it is much bigger and more wise than i could ever take credit for.
Today in church i flipped through past pages in my journal and i realized how much i have been through since it’s beginning. My first entry was in late March and i was only days away from leaving to live in Florida for 6 months. Wow time sure does change things! As i continued to flip through entries i saw a story unfold of God's provision.
There was so much pain in my writing, questions unanswered and a striving for any sort of peace. In these few months i got a crash course in God saying "no" to the things i thought were right for me. I laughed as i stubbornly insisted that i knew what was right. I am so grateful that he can see the bigger picture and know what will ultimately bring me the greatest fulfillment.
If i had it my way i would have lived in Florida going to bible school, or spent the summer in India/Thailand helping out in the slums. Although both are great options, the opportunities and people i would have missed out on would be quite a loss. As a stubborn child of his im slowly learning that even when i cannot see the reasoning behind a closed door there is always a better one open that i was blind to see before.
I silently apologized for the ear full that God got many nights when i felt like he had abandoned me. I am greatful that he never forget's and is always lovingly going to direct my paths.

Second chances.

You hear people talk about their opinions on second chances all the time. They are usually avidly against giving others another opportunity but have no problem accepting grace on their own behalf. I recently returned from the Windy City and have been continually reminded of the importance in new starts. My trip over to Chicago was a last minute plan to follow my heart and see what the city had to offer. On the morning of my departure everything seemed to be a disaster. I received some very untimely and unwanted information, lost my phone, and nearly missed my flight! All of this made my heart uneasy about my hasty decision to travel so far away. Eventually as I flew to the Midwest my heart calmed down and I was fast asleep. Upon landing my overactive mind started working in full effect but in the midst I felt God’s presence calm me down. I took one big deep breath and the fear was replaced with excitement. As I walked through this huge airport I felt like such a country girl in the midst of masses urbanites.
My first night consisted of taking the “L” and being introduced to some hearty and authentic deep-dish pizza. For someone who is lactose intolerant you’d think that it would be a nightmare but my stomach already loved this new place. The thread of second chances was on my mind heavily that night, as I sorted through my feelings and got excited for the weekend. Each day I was there seemed to fly by faster than before. In less than four day I fell for a city I had promised myself I wouldn’t like. I got to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert at Wrigley field that surprisingly had Jason Maraz open for him! On this same day I found out how little skills I possess at ice skating and got a crash course in some more good food. One of my favorite parts was just walking around the city and being in constant awe of the urban beauty. I love architecture and fond the vastness strongly inviting.
I experience my first professional baseball game, and laughed my way through a SNL comedy show at second city. I thought Portland has a pretty skyline until I got a view from the top of the John Hancock building. It amazes me how peaceful the city looks from up above. You can see the lights and fait outline of cars bustling down below on the narrow streets but it is quiet and still at the same time. Looking down you realize how small you really are in the midst of millions. After this amazing view I got a treat and someone took me out for my favorite food, sushi!
Each morning I had the pleasure of waking up to a delicious breakfast and was surprised with how fast the time seemed to go by.
At Navy Pier the next day I got pulled on stage to help in a magic show, ate some famous Chicago popcorn, and lost a bet after a intense round of put put golf. One of the best views I found was from the Ferris wheel where I snapped some great pictures over the cold water of lake Michigan. After walking along the pier and getting blown around by Chicago’s famous wind I got to watch a hockey scrimmage. Although I hate the cold, and it was in an ice rink I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. It was a perfect last night to wrap up an unexpected few days.
Upon leaving I felt incredibly sad to say goodbye to a place I was just starting to get used to. Reality set in as I boarded the place to go 2,100 miles back to Portland. Sleep deprived and running on popcorn and cheese omelets
I realized the irony that second chances have has in my life this past year. Whether it’s school, work, family, or relationships you must be open to restart and five grace to a situation. When you do it makes you realize that you very well might get hurt in the process. You can choose to be like me and run whenever you feel yourself becoming vulnerable or you can experience the beauty that a new start could bring you.
Through this trip I saw the value in allowing yourself to take a chance, forgive, and start over. When you let the past be the past and look towards the future it brings freedom. It doesn’t grantee that you wont get hurt but for me in this case the reward is very much well worth the risk.

Livin like new

Throughout life we are bound to make mistakes, and a lot of them. Some people make the big ones, those that are hard to take back or cover up. Many of us make little mistakes everyday that can add up overtime and suddenly we are living a life we never intended to. When you compromise yourself and live by the world’s standards you are bound to make decisions that you'll regret later on. It's hard to make the right choice in the moment it’s so true that retrospect is always so crystal clear.
This past year I have probably made more whoppin "mistakes" than I can count. People tend to shy away from our accomplishments but have no problem reminding us of all the times we have slipped up or fallen short. Constantly being reminded of our shortcomings makes you live in the past and struggle to move forward. When people we care about have made mistakes it’s human nature to act out of our own hurt and frustration and continually remind them of where they have screwed up. Doing this in some strange sub conscious way convinces us it is the key for us to move forth. If they know how much it hurts maybe they can magically take away the pain.
Something i have learned is nothing that they will say or do will ever make the past less hurtful. What's done is done, but the grace that God has shown us should be shown to those we care about. Letting someone live as a free and forgiven person won’t take away our pain but it will give them the ability to move forward and become a better version of themselves. Keeping someone in bondage of their past will never turn out like you had first envisioned it would. When people see you as a new creation you can start living like new as well.

Blessings in the unexpected

Life is all about a planning. We always have a checklist of items left to be done, when one thing is finished another is added. This endless cycle fools us into thinking we are accomplishing something, but in reality it is to mask our inability to rest. God has been teaching me a lot on this subject.
What is real rest and how do you still manage to accomplish what you want?

I haven't come to a conclusion on this quite yet, but i am learning that people and situations in our life help us realize we don't need to be in constant planning mode. There is a balance to everything, if we rest too much nothing will ever get accomplished but if we forget to stop and enjoy life's little blessings we will never receive the full joy God has for us.

I feel the need to have a plan and i have panicked when i let myself think too much. I grasp for some type of plan hoping that i will stumble into happiness. Lately I have begun to realize that sometimes the best things aren't on a checklist or 4-year plan. If you let it, you can be surprised with the amount of joy a unexpected outcome can bring. These last few weeks God is showing me the power in letting go and trying not think too much. Being a planner is good to an extent but there are so many blessings in letting go of your fear for awhile. So let go, and rest in the fact that when there is seemingly no plan that you can find happiness you never expected.

Women, we talk alot

"Women talk too much!" im sure you've heard that one before. We talk about everything! Our feelings, the way we wish we felt, our neighbors feelings..you name it we'll talk about it. I've always seen my need for communication as a bad thing. I found it to be a needy quality when in reality it's just the way im wired. I love to be connected with friends, family, even strangers and know whats on their hearts. No wonder than men always joke about not being able to get a word in!
Most of the time they are the more internal counterpart who balance us very vocal women out. Im so happy that God made us the way that he did. Women need to be validated, listened to and have their words heard. men on the other hand have different needs. In my experience they need respect, affection and affirmation that they indeed have what it takes. These two roles can either make a sweet harmony in a relationship or a frantic havoc depending on how you view the different needs of the sexes.
This post isn't intended to talk about relationships at all. In fact i started writing this in attempt to express how important talking is to women. I guess i am a true stereotype because i couldn't stay on one subject long enough without being led into something entirely different. Okay..(refocus)..
The gift of speech is important and women should use it to their full advantage. I am a talker and i think that it is a gift not a hindrance. All that said I want to learn how to think before i speak my mind and listen just as much as i gab. It's a work in progress and im not so good at the listening part yet but i think asking questions can teach you much more than you think. Sometimes silence is the best way to learn more about yourself. So there's my little lecture for the week..women listen just as much as you speak and maybe let men talk a bit too ;)

Growth happens when you wait..darnit

Waiting is a hard concept to grasp. Nowadays we live in such a fast-paced instant gratification society where virtually nobody has to wait for anything. Coffee has became too long of a process so some genius thought up an instant way to get their caffeine splurge. Drive-thrus, cell phones, beepers, pagers.. (anything to stay in constant communication with one another.)microwaves, instant dinners and the list goes on and on. I admit i am a horribly impatient person by nature.

My mind is always thinking several steps ahead of where im at in reality. I am slowly learning that waiting can be a very good thing. Actually it's quite counter cultural to allow yourself time to figure out exactly where your at, and what you need. Although against our standards it can open doors you never thought possible.
Right now i am in the process of staring at a long list of classes i need to complete before i am able to focus on my intended major. Over the past 2 years i have switched my future profession choice more times than i can count. Some people call it indecision but i see it more as a blessing that i am able to spot what i don't like before it's too late. In these past years 've dabbled in several different classes (none of which help me much now) and i still have a long list to complete. Eventually i am looking into a advertising and public relations degree. For those of you closest to me you probably can see that this is a big change from the cosmetology degree i intended to get.
I chose to take the easy way out because i knew i was good at hair and it wouldn't be a challenge. I was selling myself short because i didn't want to try harder to achieve something better suited for myself. I think being an impatient person aided in that decision as well. As i mature and grow up im realizing that the easy way out never allows you to prosper. It's in the pain, struggle and the long days of waiting that you learn endurance. I want to cultivate an attitude to push myself even when it seems impossible and to give myself grace

to reach my full potential. It will take me about three years to complete everything i want but i truly believe that my growth will come while i wait.

Expect the Unexpected

People say that you have to roll with the punches in life and i have never understood that more than in these past few weeks. Blessings come in all sorts of disguised packages. Ever since being back home my life seems to have taken some crazy twists and turns. Many of the plans i had in place before i left on my trip have suddenly lost their appeal. For awhile i have been planning on staying home to save money and attend Mt. Hood Community College. I thought i could take some random classes until i would start cosmetology school in the winter.
This has been the plan for about six months now and i never got fully invested or excited about it. I think that women that choose this profession are just as smart as the next but i have always had higher expectations of myself. Each time somebody would ask my plans for the future i felt like i needed to justify the fact that i wanted to be just a "hairdresser." My reasoning behind my decision stemmed from my desire to help people, talk to women and influence them in a positive way. Part of me feels like i choose this because it was the easy way out and i wanted to have some direction in my life.
Taking time off school last spring made me feel really lost in what my calling is. Im trusting that God will direct me in my journey as i completely changed my major and my classes got much harder. Im learning that the easy way out, although quicker will not always lead to happiness in the long run. At this point i have chosen to take classes going towards a business/advertising degree. My brain does not think mathematically but im hoping to go more into the public side of things. Im just taking one day at a time and trusting that it's good enough

God's destiny

Often times throughout our life we find that our plans do not always turn out how we had envisioned they would. We get let down, pushed back and redirected more times that we’d like and somehow there’s suppose to be a plan through all of the madness. During this past year I’ve experienced more redirection than I thought one could handle in a lifetime. Trying to make my own plans and figure out my life has proved to cause more anxiety than peace. Gradually God has been teaching me that sometimes when we feel like we are out of control that when we’ve arrived at the right place. Giving up our rights allows him to come in and work out the details that are impossible for us to fully understand.
For the past several months my mom and I have been planning to go to Haiti with the united foursquare mission organization. She was going to help out with shot clinics and I was going to work with the children in the orphanages. We had a lot to do in preparation for the trip; several shots were needed, finances, and prayer was constant. After my dream of spending the summer working in Thailand and india died I was fully aware that it was because God had plans for me to serve elsewhere. As the trip got closer so did the nerves and the realization that we would soon be in a very politically corrupt and demonic country. Prayers and supporters were very dear to our hearts during this time and we saturated our minds with God’s word. It was getting close and during the week prior to departure my mom had been suffering from a bad stomach ache and blackouts which was most likely due to the medication in our systems. The morning of our departure I took a morning prayer run to clear my head and hopefully start our trip out right. At PDX we unloaded our 5 very heavy bags packed full of medical supplies, bedding, 30lbs of pasta/snacks and the most grungy clothes we own. Our bags were packed for one thing and one thing only; hard work! Our goodbye was a mix of fear and excitement as we headed off for our 10 day adventure of a lifetime.
The morning went smoothly as planned, sharing a small breakfast at the airport we boarded our plan to LAX. Once we landed we had a two hour layover and munched on some less than enjoyable airport chilies to-go. Our next flight would take us to Miami for the night and we would meet our team to go to Haiti the next morning. On the flight to Miami my mom started to feel worse than she had at home and I sympathized with the amount of pain she was in. I carried on a conversation with a nice lady next to me from florida and and out of nowhere I felt incredibly ill. My stomach cramped up, throat hurt, and my body ached, none of which I had experienced before the trip. I figured it was nerves or my body being tired from traveling. I tried to keep a conversation going with her but I truly felt awful. When our flight landed we were both visibly very sick. It seemed this was an attack of the enemy and if we pushed through and got a good night rest we’d feel better. Walking through the airport to the baggage claim we were in tears from the pain. It was about 10:30 east coast time and we were ready to get in bed. The worst part about the night was when our bag never made it to Florida. After waiting in line to report our missing luggage we took the hotel shuttle to the embassy suites. Our first night in the hotel was a mix of extreme illness and frustration. We contacted the team leader and told him about our strange symptoms. He agreed that we were being attacked by the enemy and our sickness was probably a 24-hour stomach bug. He told us to rest for the night, prayed over us and told us it was possible to catch a later flight to port prince. The next morning came much too slowly as I tossed and turned all night with major pains. Day two was worse than the first and it made everything more overwhelming that we were sick across the country with no hope to get drastically better in time to fly out to Haiti in time. My mom called the leader and sadly told him that we were unable to fly. He said that the team didn’t want to get infected by our sickness and that the hurricane wasn’t going to allow planes to fly into Haiti after that night. Our dream was ripped away as quickly as it seemed to happen in the first place. We felt like failures for not making it to our destination and making matters worse we were stuck in a Miami airport hotel with the stomach flu. Ordering in white rice and egg drop soup was the only food we could stomach in two days. Those 48-hours felt like a blur that were both emotionally and physically draining. My mom and I didn’t know what our options were at this point and were troubled that we had to tell our supporters back home the bad news. We used the business center downstairs to search for options on what we could do. We found several ideas but all were extremely expensive. Coincidentally i clicked on a website and found out that Miami was a large hub for a lot of cruises to disembark from. I looked through the different ships for hours comparing prices and dates. I needed to find one with very narrow specifications. It had to leave within the next two days out of the Miami port and it needed to be as cheap as possible. There were a few available but my mom was convinced that she wanted to go home. I was already so disappointed with the outcome of our trip that I couldn’t imagine turing around and going home right away. Determined not to fly home we felt mobile enough to check out of the embassy suites and try to rent a car. To my disappointment all the cruise lines I thought were available the night before ended up being booked and our best option looked like staying in fort Lauderdale for a few days at a hotel to relax a bit. At the airport we were hurried around to several rent-a-car agencies where we ran into trouble at each one. We didn’t bring our insurance card because we were going to Haiti and they wouldn’t rent us a car for less than 600 dollars. Our options seemed to be running out and this was where we hit rock. I decided to call the cruise line one more time out of desperation and to my surprise they had ONE cancellation for the carnival destiny which was leaving the next day out of Miami. I told my mom and she was very skeptical because she feared the messege it would be send to all the people back home. It took a few hours and a lot of financial planning and tear of exhaustion to figure out that it was the cheapest route in this situation. We called the cruise line and booked our trip for a 5-day carribean cruise!
The next day it was off to port as we loaded our 5 huge bags full of grungy work clothes onto the boat. We were not at all packed for a sunny cruise full of glamour and dress-up nights. On the contrary; we were ready for mosquitoes, mud, and equipped ourselves for such conditions. The boat was lively and as soon as we boarded we realized this wasn’t going to be like anything else we’d ever experienced. As much as I love to write I cannot paint a clear enough picture of our time on this boat. It was a mix of learning experiences, deep healing, and amazing bonding with my mom. Not all of it was so serious though, it was a whole lot of fun despite the fact that our stomachs were still queasy and the endless buffets didn’t help out any. The ship was so much fun, there was always something to do. My mom and I decided to make the most out of it and experience everything that we could. From endless shows, tours, and dinners we were having a blast. I wondered why God had us on this ship and the more we were there the more I understood.
The people that worked on the boat had such hard jobs and were invisible to most of the guests. They were ordered, pushed, and ignored all while performing their thankless job. I learned that a kind word, a helping hand, and a bit of kindness can go such a long way. It only takes a second to either bring someone up or tear them down and it’s up to you which one to do. By spending a little extra time getting to know someone you realize that everyone has a story to tell and that you can learn a lot by listening. We made many friends that worked on the ship and a few very special people that ended up being on the boat at the same time as us. On our first departure my mom and I went climbing up a waterfall, and ventured through the rainforest in Jamaica. Everyone that lived here had a contagious attitude to not worry about tomorrow. It seemed like they were content with life at the very moment they were alright with life as it came to them. This was such a refreshing change from the chaos I usually find my mind fretting about. It was a true “don’t worry, be happy mentality.” Leaving the island I proudly bartered with the locals and got some art for my new apartment. The next day we were off to the Cayman Islands for more sun and another adventure. When we arrived we decided to skip shopping for the day and spend our time doing something that we’d remember. We went on a local tour where we got to feed, snorkel and swim with stingrays. The water was unimaginably crystal clear as the heat of the tropical sun beat down heavily on us. It was a perfect day to be in the water and I got to both hold and pet a stingray! It was softer than I thought and amazingly peaceful to be in the same place as these amazing creatures. Our time on this picturesque island was too short and we were whisked on board for more cruise time fun. It was the last two nights and the days seemed to get shorter as we had more fun. We gambled and proved to have no luck whatsoever, attended a comedy show, delicious dinner of endless options and ended the night with a little disco party. The next day was a sea day and we lounged out by the pool, played put-put and just rested. My body was exhausted from staying up to see the breathtaking sunset earlier that morning. Suddenly it was our last night and even though it had been a short time spent on the boat we felt like we made relationships that would leave lasting impressions long after our return home.
Overall you could consider our attempt to go overseas a failure. We did not achieve what we had originally set out to do. Our service in Haiti was no longer needed and we lost our money on the tickets. In the end it was a blessing that we could not get overseas. The team had contracted a rare jungle fever and ended up being quarantined because of their illness. The trip on the cruise could be viewed many ways. When I tell most people I get a sense that we we’re selfish for our choice, but deep down I know that i learned more in that one week than I have the whole year. I learned the importance of giving yourself grace, being nice to others and taking time to relax. I haven’t been myself in such a long time and for the first time in a solid year I felt alive again. I felt able to relax without the stress of daily life clouding my vision. We met people that I have a feeling will stick with us and change us for a lifetime. Sometimes when you have expectations for your life you have to realize that they are not always what is best for you. Being in control can get exhausting and when you let your guard down God has a tendency of lovingly surprising you, you just got to let him lead you to your destiny. Oh and a side note; the name of the ship was “the destiny.” Ironic? I don’t think so.