Whats the meaning

At a point of time in somebodys life they ask themselves what does this all mean. What does my life mean? Whether thats studying for a test,making some tough decisions or just living life we all face this question. In these times it helps to look around at the love and people we have to share our lives with and see that we make a difference to someone. But for some we aren't so lucky. Wheather its the wife whos husband travels, the mom whos kids graduated, or the college student just trying to make something of themselves we all get lonely and wonder, why?
Why did God think i would make a difference? Will I? What can i do to change this world. Lonliness gives you time to contemplate these things and although it wouldn't have been my choice im greatful for the silence. Sitting at home nightly studying, cooking, or watching old reruns alone in a new state, a new city and sharing my thoughts mostly with myself i see why people are so afraid to be alone. Its the qustions that come up when you dont have anyone to share it with, or the fear when you realize that even if you have someone they may be absent. Its the times when you feel the vulnerbility of why your important that you grow, change and if you want grasp for something bigger. Its the lonliness that propels me to want to succeed and change a life. Its hard and the erie silence can either make you sad that you dont have anyone to share it with or greatful for the time you have to think about yourseld for once and what you can do that will mean something.

A new love language

It has been 2 months since i posted my last blog and i cannot wait to start up again, So much life can happen in 60 days. School has started, the leaves are changing and i am well on my way to information overload due to anatomy and chemistry! With all the aside something struck my mind as a sat finishing a homework assignement tonight. Learning is diffucult. Especially when you add emotions into the mix. Learning a new comcept in school is challenging becasue there is a lot of new information you need to study. Concepts that you've never learned before and you want to absorb it mostly fore a good grade on the next exam. Although after the test is over you can realx and forget most of the information you tried so very hard to remember.
Learning a new language can also be very hard. You must absorb it, memorize it and train you tounge to talk in a different way. The only way to really get good at a new language is to practice daily. Most people can learn by simply being emmersed into a new culture and hearing is day after day. With language practice makes perfect. When you learn you might slip up and say something you didn't mean, language is a trial and error kinda thing until you becomemore comofrtable with the new sensations and until it practically becomes second nature.I enjoy talking a lot but learning a new language would drive me crazy becasue it would limit what i could say and i would stumble to find the meanings for things. Emotionally i feel like im learning a new language. Relationships are a crazy web of trial and error. Speaking in a language you learned from the world, from you parents or in the past just wont work. Love is the new language and heck...its hard.
Its easy to learn material becasue there is no emotions holding you back from letting you tung slip, say what you didn't mean and regret it later. Emotions play a part in making us so passionate and using the right language to express that is key in importance.

Learning you and your partners love language can drastically change the course of a somewhat broken relationship. When you learn the others way to speak you understand where they are coming from. Its hard becasue you must practice everyday and many times you will fail but the practice is what makes it love. Without failure and trying again thre would be no love. Its all about forgiving a slip, and understanding that learning new material isn't as easy as it seems.

The love language i learn in my relationship is so different than what you will need to learn for yours. But as soon as you get the hang of it, errors will become sparse. They will still happen but you will be able to talk fluently with passion just like you did in your own love language. Until you learn frustrations will fly and giving up might seem like an option. but persevere, becasue the knowledge,love and satisfaction that comes from learning how to communitcate is worth all the slip-ups in the beginning.

A special poem

Take my heart and hold it
Never let me go
Be my friend, my leader, the man I l love to know
Get to know me deeper, I’m more than what I seem
My body is just the outside my soul is really me
And when I really need you, be there by my side
Talk to me, hear me, and sympathize when I cry.
Love me for my inside and the way I make you laugh
Year s from now our bond is what will really last
Show me who you really are, don’t hold back from me
I will be the best woman I know how to be
The past is gone I see you for who you really are
It might sting or get insecure then pick fights when I’m sad
Be patient and know that most the time I’m not mad
I’m sensitive and take things wrong
But in that moment your love is what I long
The little fights aren’t worth it
Life’s too short for that
I’m sorry for my fears I’m sorry for my tears
I’m growing up to learn that time isn’t an endless gift
You must take time to stop and think
To must change the path your parents gave
We can stop that link
No yelling, leaving, or calling names
We’ll mess up, fight and even feel going away
But if you agree I’d love for us to work at it and stay
I’ll hold your heart and lead you; I’ll never let you go
Be your best friend and a woman you’d really like to know
I want to be the best team God will let us be
It’s time to stop the worry because I’m anxious to see
Lay with me and love me, show me I’m your girl
Let’s fall deeper in love; this love thing is quite a whirl.

My grandpa

My grandpa is a fighter. He is tough as nails on the outside but as soft as can be on the inside. He has fought his whole life and will be have that spirit until the day he dies. The love my grandma and him have is something so rare. They have been married for 57 years and are the most loving people i know. They are the only people that bake cakes for the people that work the check out stand at the grocery store or the local bank teller. They notice people you and I would otherwise walk past. My grandpa is a hardworker. He never slacked on his daily dubty to come over and help watch the dogs. I only wish that every time he came over i would have gave him a giant hug and appriciated everything he was to me in that moment.

Four short months ago he got diagnosed with end stage esophogial cancer and was given a shocking diagnosis of 5 months left to live. Its now may and he is on the 6 month. Everyday he appriciates the fact that he has made it beyond his alloted time, It's a gift. Although his chemo was taking a toll we all had hopeful hearts that he would beat this. A week ago he went into the doctors office and they broke the news that the chemo hadn't helped but in fact it had spread further into his liver and it was shutting down. What heartbreaking news this was for everyone. The docs have given him only days left to live. Hospice has come to be with him in his home during his last moments. He is surrounded by everyone that loves him and it kills me to be so far away. His heart is heavy but our whole family must take rest in God's ultimate bigger plan for this situation. God wants to take grandpa home to be with him and although my heart aches i want him to be in peace. I can hear the weakness in his voice but selfishly i wish he could stay. My family is throwing him a combined birthday and anniversary party within the next few days since he wont make it to celebrate the real thing in july. We are trying to get as many people as possible to send a birthday card to show him how much hes loved.
My heart is heavy with sadness yet so greatful that my grandpa gave his life to God only a few years back. Since becoming a christ follower i have seen this man transform into someone you'd admire. Jesus changed him into the person i am so proud of today. Its hard to think about all the times where i wish i would have hugged him a little longer or spent more time with them but i have to be greatful for the times i had.
This situation has opened my eyes to how fragile our bodies are. We are not invincible and no matter how much we try and believe we can outsmart disease or sickness we can't. Cancer will take my grandpas life but not without a fight from him. God will carry him home. Im thankful to be reminded how fragile life is. Everyday that we are healthy should be a great day of thanks. My grandpa has praised God throughout the storms of this disease. He has even been wheeled into church. Tear in my eyes but i must honor himw ith the time God has given me left on this earth. I must take the moments with the people i love as gifts and most of all make him proud. Live as a figher. I praise God through my heartache becasue where else would i turn. My grandpa is finishing the race well. He is so very loved and God will be getting an amazing addition in heaven when he joins the angels.

BIG breath, pray, choose and Go.

Making a decision should be thought of in a sequence of steps. After thinking about what it takes to make a good choice i've come down to four steps that if followed will make it much easier.. People tell you to weigh all your options when making important choices but i think that you can make your decision too diffucult if you refuse to stick with it.
Im talking straight to myself in this post but i've seen first hand that fear of making a wrong choice can strip you from enjoying your decision and trusting your insticts. Whether it's a big decision or a minor daily choice these four steps can help in allowing freedom to breakthrough and fear to subside. (Now just to stick to them)..
BREATH.. the first very important step in clearing your mind and focusing on what you want. Deep breaths always help me realize that no matter how big a decision you can calm yourself by breathing and realizing that it will all be okay.
Next; PRAY. probably the most crucial step in making a good choice is giving a little prayer in your head or outloud to God. He knows what you need and ultimatly what will make you happy and he loves when you talk to him. He will also give you peace that even surpasses your own understanding.. After those two there is nothing else that you can possibly contimplate that you haven't before its time to CHOOSE. I've always been someone to jump into life with my whole heart. I dont know if thats a good thing or even smart but i haven't regretted it so far. Choosing becomes easier once you master the first two steps and once you choose you gotta just live it. You don't look back, you dont wonder "what if", you dont second guess yourself. God gave you a beautiful working brain to make decisions for yourself. Second Guessing strips the joy and confidence God longs to give you.
It hurts other people, it makes you seem weak and you begin to not trust yourself. If time passes and it turns out it wasn't the choice you hoped for you take a BREATH, PRAY, and CHOOSE what to do from there. Life is filled each day with choices and these four steps can be ingrained into your head.. (hopefully my head) and after awhile realizing my confidence in my own decisions. Life will take you on a crazy ride and if you go back, question, and wonder what if you you make the choice to not get on the ride. A roller coaster is only fun when you get on, strap in, and let go. It doesn't mean your not scared when you jump on but you put your trust that it's worth it. I dont know how many times i've gotten on a roller coaster scared to death and afterwards i want to go over and over again. I've seen this in life, it's a ride that you can only enjoy when you hop on. Watching from the sidelines for the fear of what could happen will never be as much fun. You wont get hurt, but you also wont feel the rush of letting go.
So.. to myself.. breath (know it's okay to trust yourself) pray (know it's okay to trust god with your life) choose (know that whatever you decide God will always have a plan) Go.. (jump on, and put your whole heart into your choice) (dont look back, dont wonder if..just go) Once you trust that it will be okay, sometimes you even want to do it again.

Life's about making choices

Life is all about choices. You may not end up making the right one, but at least you took a risk and made a choice. I have a incredibly hard time choosing for myself sometimes. By nature im a sensative person and i want to please others by my decisions. I think about every outcome possible along with the pros and cons. When making everyday decisions it's really about what you want and what will make you happy. Learning this has been really freeing as i am stepping into enjoying the little decisions set before me. Where you go, what you eat, and what you do that day are all trivial compared to how you make use of your time while your there. Spedning too long trying to make a simple decision can take the joy out of any siutation.

This season in my life im trying to roll with the punches. I want to allow myself to choose and possibly even choose the wrong thing. The fear of doing something wrong cannot prohibit me from ever making a decision in the future. With this in the back of my mind it will paralyze you from being able to see that life should be enjoyed and savored, not constantly alayzed. The little decisions for me usually seem to be the hardest. It's usually these that make me frustrated from not being decisive. Im coming to realize that indecisiveness is a product of not trusting yourself and loving yourself to know that it's okay if you fail. If you make the wrong choice or would have rather chose something else life will go on and you will get another chance. Thats the beauty and the joy of life. Your decisions do not define you. Right decisions should be celebrated becasue you trusted yourself, took a chance and succeeded. Wrong one's alike should be a lesson and a comfort that you took a risk and although it didn't work out like you thought nobody else made that decision for you. Big deicsions for me have usually come easier but when you have a lot on the line its easier to create anxiety and worry about making a faulty choice.

Indecision and anxiety block your mind from peacefully thinking about whats best for you. Even if you dont know the answer im trying to look inside my heart and know what I feel and hope it will work like i thought. Taking steps forward while blindly praying and hoping you dont choose wrong is scary yet empowering. You know that no matter what happens nobody chose a path for you. You understand that the consequences are your own doing but the joy and celebration is also yours.

Lately there have been a lot of things i've been challenged with. I've moved to Chicago from Oregon, it was a scary decision yet i feel very at home with my surroundings. Now im moving from Chicago after only five months of being here for the southern state of North Carolina. Im following my heart, the man i love and im able to finish up school in the process. Im young and people can give so much advice from their own experiences but in the end it's up to me. It's up to everyone to make their own choices, God gave us that gift. As i prepare to move farther away from the family i love to a new area and finish up school i hope my heart is ready for the outcome. Whatever the end result maybe at the end of the day i know i chose what i thought i should do for me at the time, i followed my heart and i took a leap of faith. Thats all any of us can do anymore.

You know your getting a little emotional when..

Women have some crazy emotions sometimes. Lately i've felt like a very emotional side of myself. Most times i think women's emotions are a blessing in relationships becasue it brings sensativity and communication into them but sometimes they can be a little sparatic, a lot of up and downs and even funnier to look back on. For the sake of a good laugh i've complied a list of some funny things emotions can bring out in women sometimes. Although they may seem crazy they make us women who we are. read on; You know your getting too emotional when..
1.)You start using phrases like "I want YOU to want to" all the time.
2.)You get your feelings hurt about the smallest things
3.)Your hungrier than normal yet you feel like a cow
4.)You want strange combination of foods and "healthy" doesn't sound appitising
5.)You cry..A LOT
6.)You laugh, then cry some more
7.)Sweet and small gestures make you cry
8.)Funny cute things make you cry
9.) Basically you cry quite a bit
10.) Guys have a "what did i do now" look in their eye constantly
11.)You dont want to go to the guy but know you should (maybe thats a all the time feeling)
12.)When you want something, you're not messin around for example..pancakes ;)
13.)You can make a fight out of making breakfast or going to the store to get eggs
14.)You get really offended if someone asks if your at that time of the month
15.)Somehow the woman is always right, even if shes wrong she must be right at this particular time of the month
16.) Chocolate will defuse any tense situation
17.)Men should not try and fix things, just listen
18.) We like sympathy (lots of it) and not advice
19.) You want to be told your beautiful becasue you feel like a 2 ton barn
20.)Be pacient with us, we feel just a crazy
21.)Know that if you can stick with women through this and be okay, your relationship can survive a lot of things
22.)You have a heightened sense of your relationship at this point and are extra sensative to what make you feel special
23.) You want to feel special (especially when you feel cranky)
24.) Snacks work as bribes
25.) Guys remember.. pacientce and more pacientce.
Whew just a little funny list of things i've noticed can happen during certain times of the month. We don't like to feel crazy, and believe me I feel bad at times with the things i've gotten upset over. But the best part is when you can look back recognize where you've acted rediculous and wait to feel a little more emotionally normal again. Thanks guys for all you do and all you have to learn about living with us women. ;)

Let my words mean what i say

Confidence. What is it? How to you achieve it? There is a thin line in our world today between a confident self-assured woman and a self centered one. Many of us choose neither and instead dislike ourselves, we literally become our own worst enemy leading a life of sabotage rather than grace and growing.
Life is fun. My mom is a wise woman and she's given some great advice throughout the years. Im a worrier i worry about getting my heart broken, i worry that im not going to be happy, i worry that this or that wont work out and in the process i forget that.."life is fun." worrying never got me anywhere good yet i still manage to do it. Confidence is something i am finding i need a whole lot more of. Disliking yourself is like telling God he made a mistake. It's nice to know yet hard to sink in that I was crafted by the same God that made the heavens and the earth. he has a purpous for my life and he wants me to enjoy it. He wants me to ENJOY? Stopping the constant cycle of thinking to just relish in the idea that i dont have to worry is a foreign concept in itself. Trying to manage my own life i've found that im terrible at knowing what will truly make me happy. I try and live my life based on others opinions, and never believe that i am worth being fufilled, loved, persued and happy. But i am. The bible tells me i am. My obstacle is harnessing that confidence and working it into every intracle part of my life.
Once i can realize the great confidence i have been given in God, peace, self-control, trust, stead-fastness, and truth will come with it. Truth to see myself like God does and know that i am worthy of all the love in the world and a confidence to know that even if everyone in the world left or deserted me that i'd be okay becasue God would still be with me. I think this type of confidence can strengthen relationships becasue your not living in constant worry that something could go wrong. Life is a gamble, something can always go wrong and if you live your life avoiding these things you will never live your life at all. I've been finding that i've been trying to find confidence in all the wrong places. Your boyfriend cannot restore your confidence, being a good person cannot retore it, looking good on the outside will only mask it. Restoration comes from God. i want to find a quite self assurance that i am good enough to live a life people look at and wonder why i have so much peace. Peace comes when you know yourself and you know your calling and who God wants you to be. I dont know that yet, but as i figure it out i'd rather be in peace. I ask that i can seek out self confidence for myself and know myself to be more desisice in my decisions and have my words mean what i say. I want to be a great daughter, girlfriend, friend and christ follower but i can't if im my own worst enemy. It's time for some self love and God's truth to allow me to see that im loveable and worth a great life. I can't rely on others to give what i can only give myself. leading a life without confidence and constantly needing to be reassured is no way to live. It causes confusion and uncertanity. I want to have fun, enjoy life and know who i am. God help me as a journey to do so.

Is the bible for your own interpretation

Time and time again religion will continue to be the most controversial to be brought up. Each person views a higher power in a different way depending on their surroundings, who they spend their time with and how they were raised. One person's views can be radically different than anothers and the hard part is you can never figure out who's "right." Being a chiristian i understand that there are many things about my faith that i don't understand. When i get to heaven God will hear a long list of the things i wish i could make sense of right now but i don't have the wisdom or understanding to do so. The most controversial questions seem to be contradicted sometimes throughout scripture, from the old testament to the new the views of "the law" are very widespread. So how to you know what to believe? As a christian how do you live in this secular world and still have a heart for God?
Taking everything the bible says literally have gotten many people into some funny beliefs. For example; "Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk," Exod. 34:26; "Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material," Lev. 19:19; "Make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear," Deut. 22:12).1
We as Christians violate a number of Old Testament laws everyday(e.g., "A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing," Deut. 22:5; "Rise in the presence of the aged," Lev. 19:32; "The pig is also unclean; although it has a split hoof, it does not chew the cud. You are not to eat their meat or touch their carcasses," Deut. 14:8) to name a few. So why don't we keep these laws? Trying to make sense of this i've found that Jesus gave these laws to people at the time becasue they were causing them to sin. He called them to be respectful and pure just like he calls us today. When he came to die for our sins we stopped neeing to be bounded by rigid laws and practices and became free to worship him and (desire) to please him made us holy. Laws are in place as guidelines on how to live a good life although if God did not show us grace we'd all be in a lot of trouble. It's a tricky subject matter to get to the bottom of but in my opinion God knows your heart. More than following strict guidelines and be morally perfect God wants someone who longs for him to be apart of their lives. You can lead a perfect life but if you have not relied on God as your savior you haven't caught onto his heart. This is good news becasue i am constantly making mistakes and i need grace every day and every minute. But if God see's every sin as the same what makes speeding and murdering different in his eyes? Technically a sin is a sin but some sins are worse than others. God see's sinning as bad no matter what but speeding is not intentionally harming God's creation, murdering is. I can't really answer this other than giving my best wisdom. I think God is after your heart. If you do and say all the right things but have a impure and anxious heart God wants to help you. Sin is apart of the fall. We are inately born with it and although i will never stop sinning i will never stop asking for help either. Just a thought for the day..

Through your wounds we are healed

The title of my blog is the "Joyful Journey," reffering to the joyful encounters we have on our way through life. Although sometimes your jounrey can seem anything but joyful. Pain, waiting, confusion, addiction, fear ect. all hinder us from continuing on a joyful path.
One of the biggest questions i believe people have about the bible is why God puts us through suffering? If he is indeed a loving God why doesn't he just take away all the pain we ever go through, isn't he powerful enough for that? Of course he is. To my understanding God doesn't cause our pain or addictions, the devil does. He aims to minipulate, decieve and destroy us and our image of our loving creator. He does a pretty good job fooling us that our lives our under control when in reality they are falling apart.
In the midst of adversity it is hard to think that this pain is somehow going to work out for our ultimate good. God uses eachday whether we feel hopeless or not to shape us into being stronger, and more steadfast in him. If we choose we can grow in the process of being broken. Heartbreak and weakness has a strange way of strnthening us and God is faithful for those who are willing to wait. Waiting has become sort of an anomoly in our day-in-age. We are a tomorrow centered society, that in itself can be a little depressing. We never seem to focus on this moment or this chapter of our lives becasue we are so eager to get to the next best thing that will bring us happiness.
Pain is horrible, it's confusing and uncomfortable, but somehow we were called to suffer. Peter writes; " Becasue christ suffered for you, leaving an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:22) It isn't pleasent or sugarcoated to feel like we are called into a life of suffering. Pain is everywhere; relationships bring pain, loss, addictions, jobs, family and everyday life but God wants us to remember him in the midst of that.
King David in (Palsm 142) is a good example when he is stuck in a cave he cries, vents and tells God how angry he is for his situation. Similarly we should be able to do this, God loves to hear our hearts but often times i want to give God the respect i believe he deserves so i keep it inside. The funny part about that is God knows whats on my heart, nothing is held in secret from him. David wonders why and how he can live another day in this cave and cries to God to give him the strength to withstand it. But every moment he was in there God had a reason for it. He didn't save David from his dispaire until he knew he was ready. David is a good example becasue even though he was king at one point, he was brought down into the depths of hopelessness and choose to trust in God and continually prayed to him. He didn't quit, give up or runaway even when it seemed like the better opyion. Somehow God used this pain to teach him lessons of strengethening and brought him out of it a renewed man. When David switched his focus from trying to get out of the cave to asking God what he could learn while he was in it God used him and raised him up. I don't believe i am far from David.
I constantly wonder through less joyful seasons wondering when they will be over. I plan for tomorrow in hopes that i can run from the cave and the lessons God wants to teach me. Being molded and shaped is a hard process. Flowers are cut back to look almost dead so that in the spring they will regrow more beautiful than before. Through seasons of being like David we have a choice to stay and be cut back for a moment so that we canb become more like Jesus or we can run. Most of the time running seems more appealing and staying feels like your persistance prayers fall on deft ears, but God isn't deft to your cries. In Psalms it says that when you cry out to God, he stops everything and turns to you. He wants to help you, he sets his time aside to listen to just you and to communicate with you. If that doesn't restore confidence in my heart i dont know what will.
So even when your path seems at a deadend and you want to think about tomorrow remember (1 Peter 5:10) "The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Chirst, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and stgeadfast." I dont know about you but i could use a lot more of that at times. I'll leave you with this quote from Mother Teresa; "Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."

Think what you want

Everyone has their own opinion on your life. You can try and ignore the fact that everyone has something to say about the way your living your life but the fact is your never going to be doing everything right to make everyone happy. Perfection is a monster and striving to appear perfect to others can drain you. Too many times i have been concerned about what others might think of my decisions. This fear has made me choose to do things that dont truley make me happy. Nobody can judge you or make you unhappy without your concent so therefore i want to try something new. Not caring could be the best thing and understanding that your mistakes make you stronger. The opinions on others can only affect you as much as you let them and living your life to the best of your ability is all you can do.
I think you have to get to a point in this life where other people stop affecting you and you can step back and realize that those who really love you will not judge you harshly. In my relationships, and decisions i have been afraid that others will judge what i do. In these next upcoming months i have begun to realize that caring too heavily about what others think can be exhausting and not worth the effort. Knowing yourself, your relationship and your goals you can live for yourself without the stress of what others will think haunting you. I want to make decisions fully aware that i will be judged no matter what i choose but at the same time finding peace in letting people think what they want.

From the inside out

You've heard it a thousand times before, beauty is skin deep. Our mom's have always told us that its what inside that matters most. If this is true why do so many of us strive to look so good on the outside while dying on the inside. Our pain isn't skin deep. We can smile and put on the best act in the world but no matter how hard we try our lives will never be truley beautiful until we are georgeous from inside out. This has become really apparent to me lately.
The world is obsessed with georgeous, skinny, successful people. You will make it far in life if you have those three qualities. Sadly genuine, faithful, and steadfast are looked over and only the stongest survive. Our hearts are ignored for outter beauty that people go great lengths to achieve. My life has been far too long focused on looking good on the outside and wondering why i feel an empyness. Focusing on yourself only emphasizes the areas you come up short and makes you wonder why you cannot be perfect. The image of perfection is a dangerous addiction that will drive you crazy to try and reach. Im slowly healing from that addiction and realizing that in my weakness Jesus is strong. In the areas i cannot fill my God is there to overflow. Lies of the enemy are available without end. Lies plastered on magazine covers, airbrushed models, self-help books all offering a quick fix. I'd like a quick fix but realize that this addiction to being perfect did not happen overnight. It's been a series of lies that i have given up my control to. Being out of control and unhappy inside makes the most georgeous person ugly. I want to be pretty, stunning and beautiful. But the difference is i dont want to become that way with make-up or a trip to the salon. I want to become beautiful, steadfast, and genuine from the inside out.

Oh, it is love?

Happy Valentines Day to all my fellow hopelessly romantic girls out there! This day usually stirs up a mix of emotions in most people. Many love this season for the fact that no matter who's in your life every store comes out with delicious chocolates or tasty holiday treats. Man or not you can always rely on a good truffle to satisfy your cravings for just a moment. Right after the new year every stores hang up red and pink decor and heart shaped objects become sprinkled amongst the shelves.

Thinking back to where i was last year on this very same day it shows me how much can change and how grateful i am to God to be led where i am now. Last year i was going to school and working at a nice upscale restaurant. It was a flood of happy couples all flocking to celebrate this one day of love. Don't get me wrong, like i said earlier i love romance, yet i do have a little chip on my shoulder for this chalked up hallmark holiday. Taking one day where the pressure is on to "show" or buy someone things in order for them to feel loved is ridiculous. I enjoy any excuse to get someone a gift, or plan something creative but the cliche of dinner, jewelry, flowers and a box of candy is a little much. Instead i like to do things a little less traditionally and perhaps create this day into something more personal.

This year i had the pleasure of spending it with someone very dear to me. Since last year i have moved about three times between going to YWAM, back home for the summer and now residing in chicago. I have been taken on a crazy and fantastic journey that has led me to a place i never could imagine myself living before, yet love has made me unable to want to be anywhere but right where i am right now.

God led me to a a guy who i can truly be myself around and call my bestfriend. Thinking back on all i've been through since last February 14th i see how much God has shown me his unconditional love through my boyfriend. I get a little glimpse of God's love by the way i am loved by him. This Valentines day i was really shown what it's all about. We stayed in for dinner and did brunch instead. We traded hallmark cards and flowers for some homemade fondue and a night in. I got the most amazing present from him and mostly i felt loved. I felt loved for who i am and what i have to give right now, i love that.

Again, for all my hopeless romantic girls out there. Take a look at this day as a marker. think about where you were last year and then think to this year. You might notice that what was a struggle last year isn't anymore yet those problems have been replaced with new ones. The problems will always be there, im learning this on a daily basis. There is no green grass, just grass you put more time into fertalizing and you will never be happy until you notice the love all around you. Put down the truffles and boxes of chocolates and if you remember anything, remember that no matter what man you have in your life God is head over heels in love with you. I just feel like i got blessed beyond what i deserve with someone i can love and that shows me God's love through the way he is pacient, kind, funny and treats me better than i could ever ask. i am in awe everyday at the way my life has been heading and i wake up everyday wondering how i got so lucky. its a good feeling.

Everyone's an addict

You see it all the time "How to live a better life" "How to loose those last 25lbs" "How to give up control"..ect. There is a book, show, pill or cure for everything nowadays. I have come to the conclusion that many of us have addictions that we dont care to admit. Everyone has something that is hard to give up, whether you struggle with control, being a workaholic, lazyness, eating too much or too little, self esteem, always needing someone ect we all have issues that instead of dealing with them head on we chose other things to fill their place. All of our baggage is easier to look to something that distracts us instead of facing the fact that we are broken in some form. It's easier to hide being our work than to face the fact that we have insecurities about being successful, it's easier to work out than deal with the fact that life's issues can get tough, it's easier to drink away the pain than to recognize we have been hurt. Even good addictions can take a nasty turn if we dont pay close attention to what we're hiding behind. Working out for example is something great until it become how you deal with your troubles. Working hard at your job is respectable until it becomes how to measure your success in life. To my knowlege we all have ghosts in our closets and things from our past that casue us to hide instead of going through the painful work to heal. In that case we all are addicts of some type. Some addictions are looked down on more than others but when it comes down to it we all use masks to hide our pain in fear of letting people know we have a weakness. But in our weakness we can heal.

Let it snow, let it ice, let it stop

It's been three days and I haven't seen the outside world in what feels like forever. Chicago experienced the third worst snowstorm it's had since the 60's. On thuesday night we got pounded by over 20 inches of snow and experienced a thunder and lightening storm in the middle of the icy flakes falling to the ground.
My school got cancelled both Tuesday and Thursday and nearly everyone had a snowday off work on Wednesdsay. I remember the snow storms in Oregon and how they would close the schools for a mere 2-4 inches and if it ever got much below 30 degreese it was basically deemed the next "ice age." Going from the northwest to the midwest winters is a huge shock and a reality check with how calm the northwest can be.
Tonight i get to shovel my car out of the icy snow that by now is about two feet deep in it. Hopefully it hasn't frozen too badly! The roads are now mostly clear although many people are still taking the train and bus for precationary measures. I got a horrible head cold coming home from Oregon and being stuck inside hasn't been the best cure. I have been blowing my nose every few minutes and know that another good day of rest and some good medication will do me some good. Now that the storm has past i can venture out into the slightly brisk negative 2 degree weather! Wish me luck

Sometimes the adventure is staying..

Planning trips are a lot of fun. As a society we are obsessed with planning for the future. We plan for what we are going to do tomorrow, next week, and start save for retirment as soon as we start working.

We are a generation of opportunists who see taking time to enjoy each day is wasted time better spent doing something productive. If you think about how much time we take to plan it makes you wonder how much of your life you are really living in that moment. How many times do you plan for an event and once it gets there you're already planning the next? Sound farmiliar? It sounds way too farmiliar to me.

I love to plan. I make lists all the time of things i need to do or future dates i dont want to forget.Planning is apart of our society and uniqly apart of my personality. I enjoy looking to the future and imagining what my life will be like in 5 or 10 years. I think of my future goals i want to meet and how i plan to accomplish them.

The main point being, much of my time is focused on the future. I live constantly looking towards where i want to be, rather than where im actually at. Moving has given me a whrilwind of emotions to sort through. My months of planning to move here finally ceased and i was met with reality. This very moment and this very place is what all my hard work and planning had gotten me.

Since being here I have wresstled with living in the moment and not needing another plan or another adventure to take my mind off the hard things i've gone through. I find myself wanting to move, find a different school, graduate sooner, get another job, make more money, ect.. the list could go on and on. But the list can always go on until you make a decision to stop the longing for what you dont have. We can all want things we dont have, we can wish that everything we planned for turned out perfectly and that they would bring us an abundent joy and instantaneous success. Unfortunatly plans arnn't perfect, and they only work if we follow through with them.

I have a weakness that is hard to admit. I tend to run, or plan a new adventure when the going gets rough. In my mind planning is a an exciting build up for the reality of whats to come. When you get there you realize that sometimes the grass isn't as green as you'd once envisioned it was.

Isn't it true that you can make a situation appear more desirable in our heads when our minds are set that is te "rigt" option? You can make yourself believe that moving away or making another plan will be the best option. You can even convince yourself that you will be happier, more succussful, and struggle less in this new place. Althoug, i've learned that happiness is not based on your location, success is what you make it, and your struggles will follow you wherever you go until you deal with them.

Plans are great. To this day i still love to day dream, make lists and look foward to commitments weeks in advace. Through it all though im learning that when you obsess about where you want to be and not about where you are you will never be happy. You will always be chasing a glimpse of what you think could make you joyful.

I dont want to chase that green grass forever. As hard as it is i want to deal with my struggles and not run. Sometimes taking a break and living for today, right now, wherever your at is good enough. Yes, i want to graduate sooner, make more money, live on my own, not struggle with anxiety or self control..but im not there yet.. and thats okay.
Im learning that maybe the real adventure could be in staying?

Tic Tok

No, im not reffering to the popular song by Keesha played on the radio, although catchy it's not my point out of this blog.
Time goes by in an ever present moving motion. You can't stop time. As much as all of us would like to think we can savor it we can't escape the fact that no matter how we spend it time seems to slip through our fingers.
Time has become a pressing issue for me in these last few months. Time gives you a choice,what you do with it and how you spend it is up to you. many of us spend it doing things we enjoy, with the people we love and care about. If you dont have time with someone how can you truley know them? Time is also an interesting subject when it comes to the type of time you spend with someone. If you use your time wisely you can really get to know another person on a deep and intimate level. Time doesn't stop just becasue you choose to not use it in the most productive ways, move away or dont see someone for an extended period of time. Trying to get to know someone in a pressed time span limits your ability to feel free and pressures you to the point of exhaustion.
It is impossible to stop time, but somehow..sometimes it would be nice to stall it. When we are faced with decisions that could possibly determine yours and others future it would be beneficial to stall time, clear your hea,d and magically imagine your life in both future situations. Although impossible, the thought of being able to see into the future without being pressed by deadlines, and having others feelings on the line would be freeing.
Since this isn't the case time can be well spent with good advice, time to yourself, and a lot of reflection. I have taken time to do a lot of things in my life. I took time off school and ended up learing i wish i hadn't. Although, it could be called wasted time i see it more as time that got me to where i am today. Im happy with that place although scary and unpreditable it has gotten me to know that time is not the enemy, wasting it is.

You know your in Chicago when..

1.) You hear sirens at night and they put you to sleep
2.) You leave 2 hours early to get anywhere
3.)Your hands, toes, and face all feel like they are going to fall off
4.)You wear a coat and scarf indoors
5.) You can order any type of food and have it delivered to your house in no time
6.)You dont go outside from December-April
7.)You car freezes. doors, wipers, handle, key lock..you name it!
8.)You pay more in parking and tickets than in actual rent
9.)Your horn gets put to good use on the road
10.)You have to learn how to pump your own gas
11.)You pay 11% for sales tax
12.)You have bruises on both hips from slipping on the ice
13.)You realize that deep dis pizza is incredibly delicious
14.)You gain at least 10lbs.
15.)You carry your mase anywhere you walk
16.)Sports become the center of your world
17.) Your forced to choose..white soxs or cubs?
18.) You get introduced to some of the best food around
19.) Everything you could ever want is within a 4 mile radius of your house
20.) You start saying your "A's" with an accent
21.) You see a Dounkin Donuts on every corner
22.) You find yourself hoping you'll run into Oprah downtown!
23.) Wen you see a green tree or a field it's a rare occurance
24.) You can Yelp review anything
25.)Birds fly at your head in the city!
26.) People fall asleep on you on the train
27.) People are passionate about their pizza
28.) Dogs wear sweaters and little shoes
29.) Everyone seems to be in a rush to be in a rush to get anywhere
30.) You gag when you drink the tap water
31.) You (me) are a minority
32.) Getting anywhere takes patientce
33.) People love their Groupon
34.) You never run out of new and interesting smells
35.) You learn to bundle up
36.) There is no such thing as free parking
37.) people walk around with coats that resemble blankets that are down to their toes
38.) You start walking like you have a place to be
39.)You get used to not having a yard
40.) You see bulding taller than mountains
41.)You learn to ail a taxi
42.)You buy starbucks just to have something warm to hold
..more to come!

Expectations

I've started to notice something as i grow older, we all have expectations. We set them for ourselves, for others and for our lives. These can be very good things giving us direction and cultivating a drive to succeed but they can also set us up for a lot of dissapointment. Im learning that these are not bad things if you are able to put them in perspective but when you set your sights on something and dont achieve it maybe your expectations need to be shifted to think of things slightly differently. Setting goals is more like what i would like to do. My expectations for moving to chicago, going to school, and getting a job have been dramatically different than what i envisioned in my head. I dreamed that coming here would be easy, i would find a job right away and i would adjust no problem. This hasn't been the case. My school situation feel through in a way i didn't expect, my job situations thankfully happened very part-time and i haven't made the great friends i expected. My relationship with my family is hard being long-distance and i found out that long distance relationships don't allow you to really get to know someone. All that said im working on shifting my focus on expectations and knowing that when they aren't met it's becasue you have usually set them on the wrong things.

Not the same ol' life anymore

A daily thought

Life is all about give and take. As I grow older I realize that everything and anyone you encounter comes with good parts and bad. Learning to live a life where you embrace the good and deal with the bad allows you to find contentment in your location or in who you surround yourself with. Life is far from perfect and living in Chicago I have traded many of the comforts in Portland for a much busier way of life. This is not necessarily a good or a bad thing, rather it’s a matter of the perspective you take. Where you are is only a location, but the way you handle it is what really shows who you are and what your made of.

Being in this new place I have traded a yard, free parking spots, smooth moving traffic and the my safe small hometown for concrete, parallel parking (Which come with massive parking tickets if done wrong), traffic like I’ve never seen, and a city filled with people from all over the world. The diversity, loud noises, and fast paced society I am now emerged in are so foreign to my norm of growing up. I am starting to realize the value of money, the hardships that come along with living independently and how incredibly sheltered I had been living in my secluded suburbia home. I gave up some of the things I love to be in a place with more opportunities, restaurants on every corner, eclectic downtown life, and a bright urban skyline that lights up the night beautifully.

I am living in the third largest city in the United States and although I would rather not be here forever I have to settle in and put down roots. If I don’t, I fear that I will always be living for what will happen in the future and not whats happening right here and now. I am happy and content for the first time in where God has me in this chapter of my life. I know that for some crazy reason I am meant to be here and I will be open to what my purpose is while I embrace this new time in my life. I heard a sermon on how important it is to know your purpose for living in a city. In the bible in mentions the importance people have in a large city. Over 51% of our world lives in the urban communities and that number continues to grow. If we could bring about change and reformation our society would be dramatically changed. If you start to enact a change in the places that set trends, house the most people and are culturally diverse and secular other places will follow the lead. Among the chaos of this place you can’t help but notice the beautifully different people that live here. Each person has a story to tell and God deeply loves and wants to bring them into a place of peace and show his love to them. I want to love God by loving his people, he has placed me in a place where I get to do that.

Each day I find something I could resent about Chicago and wish I were back home where I knew what to expect. Although I miss my home I am choosing to embrace the differences of this new place and learn to love them at the same time. Learning to do this with my location will help me in all areas. Embracing the differences with others and learning to work with them can create amazing harmony if done with love. I want to do the same thing in this town.

Recognizing all the amazing advantages I have here will keep my mind focused on putting down roots and being okay with where God directs my paths. He seems to have me learning some very important lessons lately. I am finally understanding the value of being frugal with money, parking responsibly, loving people deeper and knowing its okay to have weaknesses. This won’t last forever; nothing ever does so in the time being I want to live for the moment, I want to live in my city.

Its a new year!!!

Looking at 2010 in retrospect i want to embrace 2011 with open arms. Many people around this time make their new years resoulation lists. They set their hearts on making them stick and then forget about them a month or two later. This year i have decided against resolutions, and decided to make goals that will hopefully become more permanent overall. 2010 is a year that became much more clear in looking back on. I wasn't the least bit sad to see it go, but i know that i would not have asked for it to be any easier either. The hardships and the pain lead me to where i am now. It was a lot of days full of broken dreams, unfufilled desires and hearache, but each dream lost was another opportunity opening up. If i would have never gone home from college, tried to travel on mission trips, and eventually moved back home i wouldn't be living in Chicago.
It's crazy to think what all can change in a year. Life moves way too fast and it makes me realize that if you dont appriciate the people in your life and each day you have for what it is, eventually you will always find yourself living in retrospect always wondering what you could have done differently. This year i want to love fully, appriciate my family and friends deeper, work harder and love myself more. I want to live without fear or regulations on myself. I want to laugh more than i have before and work towards graduating college. I am ready for a new year and a fresh start. Aren't we all?